A friend on Twitter sent me the link to this site
A fantastic site with a lot of pertinent articles and a very good reading list. If anyone reading this knows of a BPD or suffers it themselves or just wants more information I strongly urge you to check this out.
For someone with BPD the title grabs you. I realize my 25 year addiction to Marijuana, Gambling and other addictions were really my way of trying "anything" to stop the pain. I didn't even know I had BPD for 47 years but I knew, especially as I got older and walked out of more jobs...I knew something wasn't right. Can you imagine looking in the mirror and not liking who you see. Not knowing who you are, why you feel so different. The field was now littered with bodies (Failed relationships, etc...)
I've mentioned before that I don't care much for the world as I now see it. I truly would prefer to live in the country, away from people. Now as Mr. Personality my whole life, this probably appears to be contraindicated to what I looked like. Thing is, I wasn't feeling it, especially as crisis after crisis hit. It was an act, a way to function. Several jobs, there were days I locked my door, turned the blinds down and sat and cried. This would intensify during times of stress and pressure. Yet I'd emerge victorious most times, again my work performance was strong.
For those that read my early entry titled "An indictment of the MH System" may be interested to know it was somewhat prophetic. My daughter and I were seeing the same therapist and she is moving about 3 hours away. So Jordan and I are on to a new therapist each, both Men. I met Jason (my therapist) yesterday with Jess (Her last visit)
I really liked Jason. But as Jess ended her appointment and left I watched her walk out the door and felt immense sadness. I realized it may be the last time I see her. I will never forget the role she played in my and my families life. It's left me feeling like a part of me is gone. Jess- I will miss you.
Over the last few months, one reason I quit blogging was that it was just easier to not. I'm tired of my pain, so just acting "fine" is much easier for me.
I've blogged at length about the lack of support and understanding from people I thought would show some caring and compassion. So I embrace those that do offer me comfort and advice. At times it amazes me who God brings into our lives and when it happens.
My sisters love was a guy named Frank. He immediately reached out to me, offered to talk by phone and I hope we connect this summer when he is here. I'm not sure he really knows what his e-mails meant to me. The genuine love and concern he expressed.
Then there is Larry.This is someone I admired but barely knew in High School. We had become friends on face book and this fall (winter?) he posted a lengthy request for some guidance and prayer on a situation where the school was being grossly unfair to his daughter. He shared some instances, specifics but to me I could just imagine his struggle as I had many of the same with my 2 older kids and the school. And now with my 12 year old.
I had written him a note and he hadn't responded but I knew he probably had a massive amount of replies to go through and he gave a general thank you on his own post. Late last week I felt led to share my current situation (SEE: Previous Post [last entry])
He immediately replied and as Frank had he offered to chat on the phone. I was blown away. Here I was, feeling bad about the "lack of support" but God had seen through that and brought these 2 men into (back into) my life.
I'm not sure I can say this enough but just reach out to someone you think is hurting. Don't ask them what's wrong, depressed people hate that question as its normally a deep issue and personal. Just tell them you care, you know they hurt. Validate it.
I don't know what the future holds. It feels so hopeless at times. I feel un-empowered. What does my future hold? What will my life become? How do I break out of this cycle?
I had coffee with my friend/mentor Michael today. He shared with me a time he had felt hopeless, he had gone to see a therapist and had told him he didn't believe it would get better. The therapist replied, "Now wait a minute, haven't you gone to great lengths to share with me the many miracles God has worked in your life?" "What makes you think he'll leave you now" (I'm sure this is fairly paraphrased by me)
I know when I look back at this time in my life, I will think of footprints. It truly is God carrying me and I need to have peace in that. So today I re-post one of my favorite songs