I will say often that I am no expert in BPD. I have studied a lot this last week and know that my view of events, at least at times, has been tainted by my illness. I worked on the billing side of Mental Health for about 7 years. During this time all I ever knew about BPD was what I had heard and what I had formulated from those conversations.
When BPD was discussed in my case I knew very little about it. I had heard it was one of the most serious of all illnesses. I knew Brandon Marshall of the Bears was BPD and I was aware of his struggles. I knew there was no cure or even a course of treatment that was universal. I guess I presumed all those folks were locked up.
Had I posted that I was dying of cancer or even that I was diagnosed with severe depression, the outpouring of love and support would run deep. As of the writing of this post, discounting 3 people who like I everything I post [Incl. the wife] I have had 3 responses to 40 e-mails and a handful more on face book. Immediately I find myself fighting the feelings of abandonment as I tell my story. Much of what support I have received is from some online gaming clubs, I guess its easier to support someone you have never nor likely ever will meet. When people do respond they either have no clue what to say or they are so stigmatized they are afraid or wary of communicating.
Can you imagine waking up at 47 and finding out that most of what you believe is based on a faulty view of the world. It's like, BPD creates this incredible feeling of loneliness and feeling like no one understands you. The reactions (or lack of) of those closest to us simply reinforce those feelings. There is no doubt in my mind why suicide walks hand in hand with this disorder. I am grateful that I don't have that struggle.
A dear lifelong friend did write me. It was short but packed full of things I needed to hear.
At the time I always just chalked it up as “Mike being Mike.” As you talked about in your blog, I remember vividly situations of the extreme that challenged my decision to have a friendship with you
I applaud your decision to “not hide”. You’ll be confronted with a lot of misunderstanding and ignorance (which is excusable) as well as absolute willful ignorance (which is not).
My next entry will begin to look at the affect of BPD on those they love and those that choose to love them back.