As soon as Abandonment, criticism (Not all but any that created a sense of impending abandonment) or direct attacks occurred it was very hard for me to fully mask the disorder, I often took things personally that were not intended to be. I would think I was being attacked or criticized unfairly often and would act out about 10-20% of the time. My work performance and attendance were exemplary so these outburst were often allowed. Which just stoked the fire in me. I actually had bosses tell me they got a kick out of watching me deconstruct processes and people. My narcissism allowed me to tell anyone how I felt, including Dr's and CFO's.
The small battles I have won have been at home and there is no doubt that not working as helped. I find myself not getting angry often with my kids. My wife and I have had some great, deep talks but we haven't had a real fight in over a year.
You see folks, she was partially healed by this diagnosis. Her first realization in our marriage that she wasn't at fault for everything as she felt and at times I reinforced. She dove into this head first. Studying it at length. Truth is our marriage was the best thing going already as I had started realizing that to make her my equal meant I had to soften my tone and help her by giving her more control of the day to day, perhaps God used these 2 years for our marriage to continue to heal without confusing it too early with this diagnosis.
So when I share this I get (too much) told I am ready for work, that my insight and love of family will carry me. I disagree 100%. I still have these moments of uncontrolled anger, like w/cable company or other vendors/collectors.
The depth of my understanding does not make this easier to manage, for ME it makes it very painful and requires some healing for things I have done and what has been done to me.
I can't control my feelings yet. I can get flattened some times, enough that the need to "walk away" would interfere with my job and interpersonal relationships. I'm terrified. The very nature of my disorder and my need to support my family isn't one that works well with "Let's try." You have to be ready and while I may be a lot closer...I am not there yet and to push me back too early runs great risk that I would identify the behavior but not able to fully control it, just adding one more stresser. Were the behavior repeat itself it may cause a free fall I can't recover from. It's not easy to admit this but I need help and will my whole life.
What no one can refute is I have given this everything I have. I'm pretty sure I have given this priority in my life. While I do not believe I will be on disability forever, I also believe I need the time to heal to be able to fully function at work.
I am 48, I don't have the luxury to jump around, job to job to unemployment to another job to another episode. The damage would probably cripple me, and I would know why which is another reason this isn't easy for me to function even with all my "insight."
Knowing what is at stake, I fear, would immobilize me, affect my ability to keep a job. I fear if I felt the inevitable was coming (Normally false for me) I would help bring that about.
However, winning the small battles is great. I do want to point out that is this is a War then it's not 1 Battle, or 2. It's a series of battles, won and lost, till the clear winner is determined. I'm still fighting the small battles and am not ready to take the world on...yet :-)
When I stop waking up at 2-4 AM and then quit laying in bed stoking my anger at things, some deserved, some not. I will know my healing is accelerating. That will be a big help for me to function. My biggest problem isn't being "wrong" it's being "right" and then trying to overwhelm anyone that doesn't agree with me.
It is so hard to hang onto faith, we lose all income Oct 1st. By Nov 1st we will be unable to pay our bills. I can't stand or sit for more than an hour. All back/hip/leg pain is untreated till we get insurance. Walking doesn't hurt...till afterwords. I was out all day Saturday and spent most of Sun/Mon in bed.
Today's song is about the good times on the way...but such a great song I really hope you all listen to it