.They therefore feel ‘comfortable’ and safe in the midst of a crisis, whether this is in a relationship setting or any other. So they rebound continually from one crisis to another, feeling ‘safe’ in the moment of this unfortunate familiarity, seemingly ignorant of the stress and strain they are putting not only on their own well-being and recovery, but also on others close to them.They become stuck in this spiral and it is the most difficult of all achievements to spin themselves right out of it, as anything outside of this spiral is extremely threatening and unsafe, to them
I called this person's insurance, found out where they could be assessed and was given a few places. As we drove to the first hospital I found myself focusing on the quote above. I had a burst of energy, I thought...why do I thrive in crisis (As long as its not me in crisis) what is it about crisis that energizes me. Allows me to be empathetic and help navigate a system that is tough.
The first place we arrived at had no beds and was 40 minutes away...so we called the next place and they had beds and we went and this person was admitted.
As we sat in the waiting room I felt a sense of peace. Then it all fell apart pretty quick. The intake Dr. did not want me in the assessment and that was really hard. I felt angry as I waited in the waiting room. I understood the whole need for asking certain questions...having a male back there may not allow this person to feel comfortable enough to share.
That lasted about 10 minutes. I guess I had expected to be called back at some point. I became agitated and after an hour I approached the front desk and asked for him to call back there or to allow the adult to come out and fill me in. Because this person was a family member they got an earful from me :-(
"You know how I feel about being left out...especially since I was the one who identified the urgency and need" This was of course completely unfair to this person. I could "feel" the anger rising up in me. No thought of DBT or BPD or anything but getting my own emotional needs met...despite telling myself over and over again..."Michael, this isn't about you"
Eventually I calmed down, went back and was involved in the rest of the admission.
Driving home was exhausting. I encouraged my "friend" that she had done the right thing. That this was a chance for some quiet time, a removal of pressure for the person. That this person even ASKING for help was huge. But it wasn't till I got home that it all sank in.
I started off thinking about the hereditary factors as this person's parents each have some struggles and so do their immediate family members. She is young and that makes it harder. It's like you want to shake them and tell them Jr. High and HS are not the end of your existence but the beginning. I told them you will look back one day and realize these things.
Then guilt set in. Have I done everything I could? The image of my mother's attempted suicide really brought me down. My own wife's attempt in 2008 made the wound sting really bad. I felt hopeless. I know the depths people can go to either stop the pain...or embrace it. Ironically my previous blog entry talked at length about "Emotional Cutting" which is my preferred way to cut.
I'm still not sure what my role is. They did allow me on the list and I have been making the phone calls and doing some other things.
But...its hard. To look at a teen and see the depth of their pain is humbling. How do you explain "It gets better" when someone has lived a life where it never gets better. Just more and more tragedy. Pain. This person is small in stature and as she was taken I felt this immense pain. So young...so sweet...so talented....so beautiful
I pray this works out for her. That this is what she needs. That healing begins. Most of all....that suicide and cutting and pain are removed from her mind as acceptable forms of coping.
I plan on blogging every day this week. I am inviting you, the reader, into the very depths of my soul. My pain. My disorder.
Today's song is one of her favorites. Specifically the chorus
"I don't want the world to see me...because I don't think they understand. Everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am."
She is beautiful inside and out. One day...I pray she see's it too.