I vacillate between moments of intense searing pain and just a numb feeling. I have started to realize a few things about myself like- I really don't feel like I fit in. I spent my whole life trying to "fit in" to what I thought people wanted me to be and that was a miserable experience. If I focus on the present its very painful and frankly feels pretty hopeless at times.
My therapist moved. We rarely communicated via e-mail or phone but I would e-mail her occasionally but she was an integral part of my story and she was the first therapist I have felt like I could tell her anything and she would understand. She exhibited incredible patience with me, she allowed me to proceed at my pace.
This also meant my daughter lost her therapist and that was really hard on her. We each had a visit with a new therapist and neither was really a fit. So we contacted the agency asking for 1 therapist, that was part of our attraction originally. It allows the therapist to give us insight as to how the other thinks, reacts, etc....They said to give them a week or two. It's important to feel safe, much like a pregnant mother needs to feel with their OB. Otherwise therapy is pointless.
To see the way the world affects my 12 year old is hard. Parents know this, I would gladly take every ounce of her pain so she could be happy. Nothing is harder than watching pain in the eyes of those you love. I've come to realize she is growing up (Way too fast) her problems are real and need to be taken seriously.
Therefore its easier to just tell folks I am "ok." Because if I answer differently it either spirals me downward or begs the inevitable question "What's wrong." A very well intentioned question but very stigmatic to people with depression....as though we can control it or have an easy answer.
I have gained a better understanding about DBT, its pluses and minuses. I also have been able to figure out my resistance or struggle with it.
I've blogged at length about individualized treatment plans, not presenting DBT as pass/fail, and acknowledgment that it doesn't always work and that's ok....without immediately jumping to the conclusion that there is something "wrong" with the person and that it can't be fixed
For me, I think its pretty simple. I'll use a back pain analogy. Which I have a lot of. As I have gotten older and have documented issues with my back they finally quit preaching "Physical therapy" possibly at all but at least not until we had THE PAIN UNDER CONTROL
Same thing with BPD with an additional diagnosis of severe depression
I've spent my whole life sweeping these moments of pain under the rug, not dealing with them. Not accepting the totalitarianism of certain events and relationships. Let me be clear here...there is a difference between understanding your illness and managing it. I maintain that with this illness the pain of realization may outweigh some of the advantages.
So....I have seen about 8 therapists. 2 for a year (90 and 93) the rest 1 visit. Haven't been in therapy in 20 years and half my story has occurred during that time. I think its real simple here....I need therapy to heal the wounds, old and new. I need patience, kindness, understanding and believing in me, even when it doesn't look good at that moment.
What I don't need is someone with a preconceived notion. Someone that wants to set a time frame for my recovery and coping skills. Mostly just someone that understands I am in pain, even when I say I am not
Here is very clearly the song for this moment