I blogged almost immediately after the terminating of my therapist. My feelings were raw and emotional.
The day didn't get any better. About noon I tried to call my psychiatrist to see if he could fit me in this week as I have no where else to turn in lieu of a new therapist being assigned. They called back about 4:30 and I guess the nurse had a bad day or something, she was very curt, offered no compassion, treated me like I was more of a problem. First question was "Well, what's wrong". It came across like she was screening me for a level of seriousness versus really wanting to know whats wrong. When I started to speak she replied with the all knowing "ahh" which was neither helpful or accurate. It's why I need to see the Dr. in 2 minutes he would know everything as he has been with me since Oct.
She went on to say over and over again...he had appointments today but its too late (I called at noon) She also said that I was scheduled 8/20 and the next appt available was way way after that (08/25 so again no clue what she was talking about) She then said well you can just come in tomorrow and wait all day to see if someone cancels or no shows
Yeah thats a great solution.
I didn't yell I just said thank you for returning my call and hung up. I was angry, hurt and really put off by her negativity, condescending tone and overall could offer no real help. What was I left with? The ER? Threaten to kill myself? No real options. No one to talk to, even though I terminated my therapist it was for continual cancellations. Where could I turn, I was really hurting.
Last night I tried to just go to sleep at 6. Couldn't sleep and I ended up yelling at my kids (2 of them) and that just catapulted me into deeper despair. I went out back and sat there.
My wife joined me later. I had gotten frustrated with her while she was at work and had let her know which really impacted the rest of her day. Another brilliant move on my part. Remember BPD's motto
I hate you...don't leave me
The suicide stats on BPD's is overwhelming. I've maintained that suicide has never been an issue for me. I would say while thats still true, my views on why people do it are different.
If I were suicidal last night would have been my last. This isn't said to illicit responses. It is what it is. I felt hopeless, unloved, un-cared for. No where to turn. My anger was replaced by despair. A belief that it wouldn't get better. These were unshakable. The feeling that I can't continue to hurt those that I love. Yet I can't always catch myself.
To be fair, I always have the option to go through crisis clinic. But...its like its a program designed to put band aids on till you can be seen. Going through my story to describe where I am is a task I don't relish.
I don't blame the center for offering what they can. It's far better than nothing. Of course I was tempted to just go to another shrink. No way I am leaving the 1 Dr who has helped and I believe genuinely cares about me. I considered contacting the executive director but here is where it gets a little slippery.
I worked for this place for 4 years. I was terminated in 2006, one week after getting custody of my oldest daughter. I was not given a reason. I was forced to sign an agreement to receive a severance package. U was to never talk about it, tell ppl I quit, and also could be seen there on a lifetime EAP.
How weird is all that? I had been 1 of 2 managers given a raise during a freeze. Never written up, never verbally approached. So there is some baggage. This also has never been resolved internally by me. My boss that fired me kept in contact, took me golfing but would never talk about my termination. When I wrote her last fall explaining what was going on she replied via e-mail
"Good luck with life Michael, I'll reinstate your EAP"
This is probably its own blog entry as it hits on so many areas that affect me. I considered writing the executive director, who I worked with before when she was a program manager. I don't feel like I can. I always liked her though we didn't always see eye to eye on patient responsibility. Unfortunately someone that used to work with her/for her had told me she had struggled with me while I worked there. I had reached out inquiring about BPD groups last fall and she e-mailed back that they had none. If I were to be honest I think she would prefer me to seek help elsewhere and to take this to her...my fear is she will defend or reject how I feel.
That's a pretty dangerous game to play with someone on the edge. The nurse never asked me if I was a danger to myself or others.
I don't feel much better today. I won't contact the Center. Which of course leaves me to deal with this myself. Maybe that explains my ending comment yesterday
I don't want to do this alone but what would you do if you were me?