This disorder is evil and nasty. The demons in my mind can't always be controlled and my hope is fading. I realize now that there is little to no chance disability will be approved. That puts me in the worst situation I can be in.
My whole life I have fought as hard as I could. But these episodes almost always result in a crash. I get to a point where it just feels impossible to move forward. The weight of providing for my family, trying to heal and recover is too much. Right or wrong....I can't seem to do both.
I've mentioned before that someone described Borderline people to me as "Skittish cats always waiting to be scared" and that is really accurate for me. It's been a real long time since I have felt "settled."
Socially I think this is the root of why I never could fit into a "group." I acted but hated theater people, I played baseball but was never a jock. I was in debate but hardly the studious type. Basically I am "that guy" that people say never reaches their full potential.
As the holiday's approach the pain is deep and I know that is so true for so many. It's hard to want to celebrate life when life hasn't given much to celebrate. I know that's both a false statement and self deprecating but its the type of feelings we (I anyway) struggle with everyday. It's hard to write on days like today because I HATE the way I feel and that I am not yet able to really handle it.
I think for me, at age 48 with my "break" happening at age 4, sometimes I think the damage is so deep, so deep rooted...that it would take years to change the way I think and view things. I get upset when people insinuate I am "not trying hard enough" or "not doing it the right way"
One of the worst parts of my disorder is the very real fact that I am 48 with no references and 3 long term breaks in employment the last 12 years. The idea of starting over at age 48 isn't as appealing as it would be at 18.
My sleep has been lacking, back/hip/leg pain. Depression, insomnia it all adds up to little sleep and what I do get is restless. My Psychiatrist has said we have tried about all the psychotropic/sleep combo's we have. While I fall asleep "ok" if I wake at 1 or 2 even to go to the bathroom its about 50/50 if I fall back asleep.
It really sucks being your own worst enemy.
I try to set goals, daily and weekly. Sometimes I do well other times I become so overwhelmed that I shut down.
I think some readers probably chalk this up to "He's just feeling bad for himself." Unfortunately that thought leads to the stigma that Men can not show weakness or emotions.
My days are either full of ups and downs or completely bland with no feeling or emotion. Still trying to find that happy medium.