What I am about to share is highly personal so if that bothers anyone, last chance to exit :-)
My oldest daughter came to live with us shortly after she was 14. Feb. 2006. The preceding August she had been found unconscious in a crack house, they had contacted me asking if I wanted her, I said of course. She had spent every Christmas and summer with me age 3-12. We hadn't had contact with her the last 14 months.
Her mother is bi-polar and her Dad BPD. She is bi-polar, the manic type, with an assorted handful of other diagnosis'
My daughter got off to a bad start. While in foster care she had stolen dog tranquilizers from the neighbor and took them. During this process I had contacted an organization that could take the 18 month process and do it 5. (Turned out to be 3) The guardian Ad Litem and I clashed pretty bad. She continually questioned whether we could handle Bianca but ultimately suggested the court allow her to move. About 2-3 weeks prior to that her grandmother had died. She was very close to her. One of the last things her grandma did in a court hearing was to go from NO WAY she is moving to KS...to a sincere statement telling the judge that I was the best option and a good one.
She died 5 days later.
We weren't equipped for my daughter. She tore this house apart while our crisis period was in full force (05-09 for the new readers) We had to call the police, lock ourselves in our bedroom. Holding our scared 3-5 year old who now has PTSD and anxiety and misses her big sister so much.
During this time my daughter was on color code. She had to call in and if her color was called she had to take a pee test. Passes every one over 18 months. She joined a youth group, went on a mission to hurricane ravaged Louisiana and was baptized.
There is so much more to this story but I blogged it and here is the link if you want a deeper understanding.
She ran away at 17 over me telling her there was no way I would talk about the GED route till that summer, this landed her in state custody but in our house (March 2009) She convinced a judge it was the school, he allowed the GED route and she moved out a month before turning 18. She chose a guy over 3 more months with us and college in the winter/spring. She even had a chance to debate at one of the best debate schools.
I used to tell her a few things often
1. You can't live 2 lives, trying to portray a christian young girl versus her real life of sex, drugs and do what I want, people owe me life. They were to extreme, at opposite ends, to pull off
2. I can save you from anyone but yourself
3. Being an adult is hard
4. Without college, military or trade school life was going to be tough as an adult.
5. The kindness and caring you received as a kid won't happen as an adult- there will be consequences
She moved to LA, got into some real serious issues and then moved in with her Mom in Florida. We talked on the phone in early Jan and it was her telling us how good she was doing. Then as always she talked to my 12 yr old, her sister, for 20 minutes, making all these promises. Never coming through, including even calling her on her birthday
We were headed to dinner last week and as we were leaving we saw my 2 nieces (one 13, one 25) At the restaurant Jordan was quiet and detached. I tried to engage her and then said I wanted to talk when we got home. Which we did but with no real understanding.
The next morning it hit me and when her and I talked we identified that it was seeing my 2 nieces, her cousins. Hanging out, walking home from the pool. It immediately put her down, made her think of her own sister. My oldest daughter was a decent kid at home much of the time. She spent so much time with her little sister, watching movies, sleepovers in her bed, I mean she was great with her. When the calls started to come,
even when she lived in this area, but were never followed through on. I would speak to her but she always had an excuse. She no-showed for her birthday dinner and my little girl sat next to the window looking for her, the whole dinner, trying to hide her tears.
As my oldest bounced around we would occasionally talk to her. Always the same, coming for a visit soon, doing great. I can only presume the lack of any communication, including responses to some I love you e-mails from me, is the whole can't live a dual life as an adult.
I can't allow her to hurt us anymore. Her was my e-mail.
XXXXX, I suspended my face book, Mom may do the same. Need to let you know read some of those comments about you wish you had stayed w/your Mom as a teen. If you really feel that way its cool but I won't be in contact w/you. It's painful and reeks of delusional thought. When your name is googled it brings people to your multiple arrests. Including a very disturbing one, one that creates a barrier I can't overcome. I know you are hurting and I do love you but can't sit by and watch you die. That's where your headed. The drug use is now serious drugs. Those are all your right, not judging you...just saying we have to protect our children and we can not have you involved in our lives. I told you before xxxxxx cries about you, she saw xxxx and xxxxx and and it set her into a week long depression. Maybe you are not aware of what it does to her when you make all these promises on the phone, whether you hurt her or not in the past its killing her now. I always told you that living 2 faces would never work. The posts about your Mom are disturbing but thats your right. Not sure if we will ever see you again and we just can't live with the self destructive decisions. You are a child of God but you have clearly turned away as he is sad that he has lost a child that may die before getting herself right with God. Sorry, I love you so much but I can't allow you to continue to cause me pain. Wish you the best and I mean it. Sorry you feel like we let you down.
This doesn't have to be for forever.
Many of us have people in our lives that suffer from self destruction, drugs, addiction and MH issues. Those other mitigating factors affect the MH issues ten-fold. I feel like an honest effort at change with some history on her own of stability, then our doors are wide open
Our hearts still are, our love as well. Without her our family is not complete
This song was song about her when she was a kid.