I talked about last Thursday's Psych appt bringing me down. Sat with me all weekend and yesterday I saw the back Dr. That appt went pretty poorly as well. She seemed frustrated from the outset. She said the nerve study indicated the MRI was wrong as they found no nerve damage. I asked her if that meant I didn't have an impinged nerve. She said No, it just means its not affecting your leg.
After discussing options she decided to send me to musco skeletal specialist (sp?) We settled on 1800 mg of Gabepentin as well. Again the fact that the nerve pain medicine worked well on my hip again makes it very confusing to everyone involved. I tried to tell her the tech said and did only the hip...never touched the back during the exam. She just said "well I don't know what to tell you" She told me "If I were you I would never walk into a surgeons office again (?) but start barking up other tree's like Ortho.
So I need to coordinate my own care? Ortho insisted it was in the back and the back ppl insist its in the hip. Yeah, fun stuff. So lets triple his nerve pain meds and maybe he'll be too groggy to complain. (I am partly joking here...a little anyway :-) )
Today I saw my PCP and that was a great appointment. He identified through the cat scan that my diverticulitis is active and is causing some abdominal pain. He assured me that the specialist I was seeing really was good. Said because I had been to ortho it was ok for me to call w/out a referral. My PCP is a resident who is awesome and his attending who I respect and admire a lot and worked with previously.
So...why is my head under water yet I am breathing fine? Well...I am glad you asked :-)
These are everyday issues I have to deal with. The same issues everyone else does. It's hard for me to not be in control, not be ruffling feathers to force a resolution. It requires patience, trust in the medical field and compliance by me. This is Really good practice for me so that when/if I re-enter the workforce I can begin discerning things from a different perspective.
Until today...I had been down after these appt's. With a little influence from my wife, some thoughts from my dad and a lot of hard work on me...I have resisted my normal course. There are some things that could have been said better. They may be missing something and either not listening to me or I am not communicating it well
Validation is huge here for BPD. My PCP is so great that I took solace in knowing I would see him today, that I could freely share how I felt, that he knows how to parse through it. He really helped me see things today from a better perspective. I'm learning that its ok to let others lead. Learning slowly to trust.
The first thing the Dr said after I shared my view of recent events was:
"I understand your frustration, pain and anger at how the system works BUT I assure you we have your best interests at heart"
That's all we need some days. Validation w/out excusing our behavior or flawed thought analysis. But focusing on validation. Once we feel validated you can pretty much say anything to us (me anyway) even if its tough for me to hear because in the back of my mind I'm thinking...he/she understands me and cares for me so in spite of hearing some tough things I feel SAFE because I know they understand at least a little (Validation)
CVA baby. Caring, Validation(w/out excusing the behavior) and access to services
So yeah....some days I feel like I am overwhelmed (under water) but my faith, family, new found friends, project 375 give me hope and strength (But I'm breathing fine)
So....to my wife (My biggest supporter) for the mushy lovey dovey parts (lol) and the rest to you all just to enjoy and to know your head can get under water and you can still breathe just fine
Remember breathing is the most important part :-)