If I have a belief in anything its that I was a good Dad during my kids life but underneath that veneer was a lot of yelling, getting too angry, lecturing too long (I'd lose them at some point...couldn't stop myself)
Now I am striving to overcome that "label" of being an angry person. I imagine if you asked most of my ex-employees about me most would rave about me...but add that it was true...as long as you steered clear when he was mad.
I am terrified of going out. No one locally has kept in touch with me, stopped by to say Hi, etc....My lone venture into a foreign place (12 yr old's Middle school, which isn't the one my two older kids attended) I had a panic or anxiety attack and as my first it was scary even knowing what it probably was and having observed in others.
Let me say this...pretty hard to truly know what it feels like to have a panic or anxiety attack- until it happens to you.
My 11 month journey has been filled w/immense pain. Over critical of myself when I get mad, hey parents get mad all the time. But the few times this year I have gotten mad at one of my kids I have very calmly talked it out. I would say my biggest growth this year is the continued growth of our family.
That's all fine and dandy...but even with a gentler approach....I see fear in their eyes, afraid I might blow...and it hurts worse than I ever knew. It will take time, I understand that...and I would say my 12 yr old has responded well when we need to talk something over.
I'm so afraid my illness will be a detriment to them. I have accepted that we may not be able to take a family vacation in a long time. Latest fashions, etc...can't afford a cell phone for my 12 yr old while every other student has one. Yeah, its easy to tell her that cell phones are destroying relationships, we can't afford it. She accepts these things willingly...but I know it hurts down deep. It's just another way she feels "different"
There is more but I won't drudge through it, I think the point has been made.
You know what though...my kids have access to their Mom and Dad in a way others don't. I wish we did more game nights and we have done a few movies. It's hard, my wife works Sat/Sun and it's taxing on her. I haven't had much energy either. But they can talk to us pretty much 24/7. Jordan tells us what is going on (mostly) and they just get us. I see my children growing into little people, yes even the 5 yr old, developing personalities, beliefs, passions. My 19 yr old has decided to stick w/family for the long haul and we are so blessed by that. He is a good son, does his chores...puts up w/occasional times I get on him but of all my kids I would say he and I are starting to get close again. I still not have told my story about my son and I, its painful and I am still processing it. But I love him and he is learning to trust me more and more.
We love them with a passion. So I have 2 goals this weekend.
1) My 12 yr old has expressed an interest in playing girls basketball. My Dad/Niece 1/2 block away have a hoop set up, regulation height, in the backyard. My niece is unbelievably skilled at basketball, volleyball and soccer. She also runs track and pretty much has dominated KC, breaking 4 records (one her own) in several categories.
GOAL- Spend some time teaching her some basics (I played through my Freshman year in HS, a little Soph year) and at least a couple of hours. My only child with any interest in sports of any kind. It's a club, not a team, in her 7th grade. She is going to take 5 weekly lessons over Sept/Oct.
2) Family movie night Sunday. Have a great movie all my kids can watch.
GOAL- Go all out. Make the lil smokies in bbq sauce, a full spread for nachos and cake for desert. I have all the food already. Joey and I bought the specific ingredients. I do all the grocery shopping but need help w/groceries. I am a really good shopper, was taught by my Mom. Hoping some rubs off on my son so when he does go out on his own he has an idea of how to shop...plus we get some quality 1:1 time. He gets up at 7 so go with me even if he worked a double and has one that day. Enjoy the movie and relax knowing do not worry about tomorrow..today has enough worries of its own.
We lost our insurance and its all messed up...but the kids were covered. They claimed we were "over income" Family of 4 gross income/ $1100 ish each month. Our rent is $1000 and our income tax return covered us till next income tax refund. The state does not count that as income so they literally denied a family of 4 with our monthly income of maybe $1100-$1200 month. KS uses their own interchange and will not let me proceed as our income is too low, it directs me to the state plan...which has denied us. I am on like 10-12 meds, 5 or 6 I have to have.
But I won't let that get me down. I have a call into the program and I may not hear back till Tuesday. But...gonna let that go and focus on some good burgers Sat and some time Sunday evening. My kids are used to me saying something is going to happen...then cancel it. I try very hard to stick to my word now so they can learn my "Yes is a Yes" and my "No is a No". Two Saturdays from now we have a wee bit extra and are planning a day trip to where I pitched in college, where I was born, etc...son works hard Mon-Fri and normally has Sat off. I want him to go as well.
So that's it folks. Have a safe and awesome labor day. Don't text and drive or drive drunk. Today's song is a song about something you may say later in life to loved ones. I could get hit by a bus tomorrow, who knows. So...to my wife and kids....
Titled "The words I would say" by Sidewalk Prophets. Followed by the preview of what we are watching