I can't begin to imagine the impact my insomnia is having on top of all of this. Averaging 4 hours of sleep a night for 3 months is beginning to take it's toll.
It's left me irritable, impatient and frustrated. I see my wife beginning to wear down some and it frustrates me that I have so little to give her now. Part of that is logistical as by the time our little one is asleep it's between 8:30-9 and I am so tired by then I can barely stay awake myself.
I also received my disability denial yesterday, no real surprise. I should have hired an attorney to even see if I had a case. The denial did not reflect that they took my therapists' letter into consideration, it only listed 2 "reports" from my (now ex) Psychiatrist...neither of which I have seen. The report said it was unclear if I would be able to resume my work in my field but that the disability wasn't enough to eliminate me working. My ex-Doc was very insistent that he thought I only needed a "few months" and I was "doing great." Now that I have a new Doc, even if an attorney says I should appeal...it probably looks like the switch was made due to the original Dr's letter...which is merely coincidence at this point.
I woke up at 3...rather 2 as I had not yet switched my clock. I lay in bed watching a DVR'd recording of KState's win last night over Ok State. After it was over the self doubt and fear crept back in. I am scared, I am so afraid to even venture outside of my safety net.
The person I had a bad encounter with on Friday wrote me the following that evening:
It caught me by surprise and I am not happy with my response.
We can only trust God and do the best we can
I don't yet know the answer to that and I can only hope God will provide that to me.
Came across a brand new song from The Swon Brothers. Really hit me as what I need is Prayer and love