I will acknowledge that I am strong, after all I have fought this for 42 years and was able to rise way ahead of my educational status, getting jobs that people normally needed a Masters in and I lacked even the 4 years degree. My work performance was always very good, in spite of the interpersonal issues I struggled with, I presume my work performance let employers sort of let my "behavior" go....plus I think my BPD was worse at home though the feelings at work were always intense, always fearful I was about to be laid off.
Much of the things I have feared in my life have actually occurred. It makes it very hard to feel much trust or security in people. I have been blindsided by being let go once, I just *knew* my boss hated me at my last professional job...and that was most definitely true.
Mostly I am weary from fighting so hard for so long...to now be where I am can fuel my disappoint in me. While all along I sorta thought I was different, I never considered myself broken. I'm afraid of the "real" world, one which I clearly do not fit in and may never. I have no job prospects and bills coming on like a freight train. It's impeded any serious work for me as these are very real concerns and affect my wife and kids. I know I am not ready to return to work but that isn't really up to me. We simply have no more help available and only God's grace has us not homeless. My therapist and I talked at length about this but right now its very hard for me to focus on much more than how can we cover our basic needs going forward.
To me, that is part of the danger in anyone's recovery... being forced to function is a world you don't know, understand or particularly like especially before you are ready. But we live in a greed filled capitalistic society and that is a fact.
I find no joy in activities I previously enjoyed. Not one single friend has been by or actually even called in the last few months. That's hard as I grew up in a time that people would always respond to a "letter" offering support, prayer, etc...
I don't say these things to illicit sympathy, again my goal is to give a real time look to the first 6-12 months after being diagnosed and perhaps to give some perspective on what it meant to find out so late.
I think initially I felt like I could make a real difference in others lives. Well there's 10,000 blogs already out there and I haven't yet seen any avenues that I could be of help and truth is I am not ready yet.
Maybe I need this pain to effectively help others down the road. But the pain is searing, intense and feels misunderstood by most. I guess I really believe that short of being BPD one can not truly appreciate the world we live(d) in and how we function(ed).
I finally agreed to look at group led therapy for BPD. Well, in KC there are 2. The first has a cost and requires all services through them (Would mean new Therapist and Shrink) and the second one has no cost but again requires ALL services with them, that's so stupid and maybe we should focus more on treatment BARRIERS versus treatment options. I mean...are you kidding me? Finding the right therapist is hard and if you have a good one who in the hell should be telling me that to "further" my recovery I have to see their providers. Seems like some treatment providers are more concerned with the $$$ than the patient and if that's true in a MH setting then to me it's 10x worse than the stigma. How can you deny someone help that needs it?
I feel hopeless. I see no rainbow to a pot of gold. I really see no future for myself. I won't manage people at least not until I am better, it wouldn't be fair. I'm 47 and may look back to waiting tables but I also have a bad back and hip (Almost 48 :-( ) so I have an MRI Friday and we'll see. Personally I feel just the danger of me blowing up is possibly enough to bring it about and it may be more than my psyche can handle. But that's not my decision.
I wish I could offer more hope, a stronger belief in myself and comfort for those that need it. Maybe one day....