I still have moments of "Oh crap...why did I expose so much of myself?" Being self aware does have certain drawbacks or new considerations on realizing that what you thought others may have thought about you was not accurate.
After 13 years in mid to Senior level management I went back to waiting tables when I was 41 and then again at 47. Because I was so good at waiting tables...and not really capable to accept or even understand that the status change would be viewed as a polar opposite to the professional world. I guess I am trying to say that were I to go back into the service industry it would be really hard to serve someone I previously managed.
It's not pride. It's shame. Shame of what my life has become. Shame that I quit jobs that were more than enough for my family to live on. Shame that I bared my soul. Shamed that I lost what I thought were life long friends. Shamed that I realize now some really weren't friends.
I can't get bogged down on that. I considered moving my family to a different town but the relationship I have with my father makes that so undesirable. Living 3 doors away is a big deal for both of us. My father is 71 and I can't imagine life without him.
For those of you that have read my blog and/or are aware of KS Governor Sam Brownback's veto of Medicaid Expansion in KS is a huge deal for me. Under the expansion plan I could make $30K and still be insured. Without Medicaid Expansion, KS controls that and sets it as $790/month- that is not a misprint. If a family of four makes above that then the adults lose their insurance. What ever your thoughts are on Medicaid Expansion...here is the reality.
I average 2 Dr appts a month. I am on 10 meds (trending off some). To take away my insurance would potentially cost me my life or at least shorten it. I have maintained that I would love to share in the cost but its becomes untenable with those restrictions
Ironic. I fit what a "Republican" believes in. I want to work my way back up...from the bottom. I don't want "public assistance" any longer than I have to. But its also a system I paid into for 20+ years so no, I don't feel guilty...I have enough other guilty thoughts.
But I soldier on. I accept that my resume is destroyed, I virtually have no references. I accept that KS acknowledges my depression and BPD are a disability for me...just not enough of one to qualify for disability.
Tomorrow I have an interview. My 1st one in 4 years. It's working at a country club bar tending/serving. I think....that was what I applied for but I sent my professional resume and the GM of the entire club set up an interview...so we will see.
One other side note...especially for those that know me. One of the reasons waiting tables is something I enjoy isn't because I am an "extrovert." Actually I am much closer to an "ambivert" a mix of intro and extro. It's like being on stage. A performer. I once heard someone describe Robin Williams this way. If he was in an elevator in a 1:1 situation he would be very quiet and avoid direct contact. As soon as a 3rd person entered he would become an entertainer...so its sorta like that.
Well its a step.