Early on in my blog I shared candidly what it "felt" like to e-mail 40 (ish) of the closest friends I had, some were from the Church I attended in Chicago. Most were friends of 20+ years. Out of the 40 e-mails only 5-6 responded. For someone with BPD this feels like abandonment, and in some ways it is. It sure is a wake up call for me about the damage I have done in many relationships. And the damage done to me. That's the hard part, I have never allowed myself to accept the consequences Of others behavior and actions (Or lack thereof)
What that means to me is most of my life, while my own anger, hurt, etc....was easy for me to identify...but I often took too much responsibility and would "let people off the hook" This was part of building people up to a standard they are not, then deconstructing them. I never wanted to accept that these moments of pain caused by others would affect me, those thoughts were Demons to me. I didn't want to accept that others have and will hurt me and its not my fault. That's a tough one for me now.
I grow weary of my own depression and BPD. I hate it but more importantly I hate how it affects others. I know this may all seem to be a "poor pity me" party. That is very hurtful when people accuse me (us) of this. Do they really think I don't want to get better? Its just the problem here in USA, we are horrible about the education, treatment and prevention of MH. The worst is the media, they sensationalize MH when something happens, they say these gaudy numbers of people with depression, etc...yet no one keeps it in the forefront till the next time something happens.
Yesterday I had a Psychiatrist visit. I was not too excited because I wasn't doing so great. I have blogged at great length about DBT Therapy and how it upsets me when its' presented as a "Pass/Fail" option. I have yet to see ANY DOCUMENTED NUMBERS AND THAT "70%" success rate IS a "guess" (Per my Psych Dr)
As I railed in my appt about how I really felt, he stopped me and said Michael I can't say that I disagree. I was floored. He went on to say that DBT therapy HAS worked for some (He said about 30-40%) and since there is no "proven" treatment so if DBT works best that is what everyone will run to. He said "Michael I have a lot of hope for you, but this isn't easy, I can't offer you a guarantee but if you only get to where you are today then it is what it is." He went on to say there was no timetable and as far as grieving and healing from old woulds he said "Absolutely vital for you. Untreated trauma and pain are like an abscess on your leg, the only way to get it out is to cut it, squeeze it out and then bandage it. YOU WILL be left with a scar but once treated and healed it will fade away."
That was all I needed. No timetable, don't worry about DBT, and heal. Validation, understanding and then his final comment was
If the patient doesn't trust the therapist and if the therapist DOES NOT feel like the treatment is going well...it will never work."
The day before I had commented in my blog
" I'm not interested in a treatment plan unless I believe in it." Would you?
It didn't make yesterday any easier, but it gave me some hope for tomorrow and faith and hope are all I have.
As I lay in bed last night, waiting for my wife to get home, I just felt like I needed to cry. Right then Taylor (5 yr old) busts in and runs to me and hugs me and says:
"I'm so lucky I have a Mommy and Daddy that love me."
I didn't cry, instead I smiled and held her tight
DOH Forgot today's video. It's Nobody Knows it but me