Today...Up again at 3. Feeling a lot of pain. It's tough to try and identify where it is coming from. Nothing has happened in the last day to knock me off kilter a bit. I feel very lonely at times, like I am watching a movie as a bit character standing on the side. Much different than the starring role I used to see myself in. Empathy is a word thrown around too easy I think. I know my wife and father both feel my pain and care very deeply for me, I know my wife especially can identify with the depression...but its hard to be empathetic if you haven't actually experienced what the person you are trying to be empathetic towards is experiencing.
Most of my life I have fought the urge to be a victim or accept that life got the better of me. What I have left in the tank isn't much. The realization that much of what I believed isn't true makes me very timid to step out. Perfect example....I appreciate my Psychiatrist helping us arrive at the diagnosis we have, but he and I don't communicate well. One visit I told him I had almost called him asking to be admitted and the progress note says "Patient doing better, keep up the good work." Then whenever I say I am getting 4-5 hours a night he always responds with "Well you are at least getting 5 hours a night." The last time my wife was with me so she also heard it. In addition I believe he will be a hindrance to the disability process. He called me to say he didn't think I needed a full year and that his report would simply be answering their questions. It's like Dude, are you serious? The old me would have fought and switched Doctor's and probably complained. Now....just afraid to say anything. I don't know what I would say. Except for Thursday night, I haven't had any more sleep since I saw him last...when I see him in 2 weeks, if I reveal that he'll be pissed I didn't contact him earlier. I'm not afraid of him, I am afraid of me. When my BPD rears its head any and all thoughts of keeping control vacate my mind. After the fact I can see rationally...not before. I don't have the mental or emotional stability to do much of anything now.
I think that is the crux of what I feel. Paralyzed. Terrified to make any decisions. It's like my "fantasy" side has been destroyed and I feel pretty vulnerable living every day in the "real" world. For me anyway the "fracture" of the brain resulted in this fantasy world being created and I imagine that was my way of dealing with the pain. It's like the movie Lost Boys where he thinks he is eating chow mien noodles, he looks again and it's maggots he is eating. It's like that ...sorta.
In our family therapy we have begun letting the kids know about this. In many ways it's started bringing me closer to my son. I have learned to accept there are simply things he can't do due to his Aspbergers. To deny that would be denying my own experience. It's sorta ironic as he and I suffer from the same issue...only opposite. He doesn't read social cues, I over-read them. My eleven year old is so great. She has been supportive, positive and just let's us both know she feels loved and safe. At the end of the day what more could you want for your kids.
Most of my marriage I have tried to be strong. Supportive of my wife. I've avoided leaning on her too much as she has a lot to deal with regarding her own issues as a child, she is the primary care taker of the children and I guess I always thought I could deal with my demons 1:1. I can't say enough what it means to me to have the support and love of my wife during this. She has given me great comfort. Even when I have have been down or irritable. Many nights, as I begin to fall asleep I think of this song, realizing that she has always wanted to offer this to me...and now she does.