I realize now that I never fit in. All the things I have said my whole life when questioned about "who I am" were based on fantasy, fear and an intense need to be accepted and loved. It would cause me to go to extreme's to get that need met. It was, I am sure, as powerful as crack or cocaine. I couldn't live without creating that environment in every relationship.
Even here in my blog there is this underlying fear that acceptance and safety comes at the expense of me "throwing it all out there" and praying it will be received with love and understanding. I over expose myself while screaming please don't hurt me, can't you see the pain.
All along it was I that couldn't see the pain, its origin or the powerful effect it had throughout my life. Someone once described Borderline Personality as being like a cat that is always on its toes, jumping at the slightest sound, noise or movement. That is a really good example as it illustrates the pain it takes just to get through some days and what a horrible existence it leads to.
For me, this last year has been so painful that I can not yet see any real growth. My family is in crisis and I can barely function.
It's like watching my world crumble down. Piece by piece, very slowly at first but now its all crumbling.
This entire year while we were dirt poor we always had food, rent and each other. Going forward we have no insurance, no way to meet our bills until I can start earning an income, in a world I neither trust or feel comfortable in.
We are a real family in a real crisis. This shit's real folks. The state of KS is so anti-democrat that they created their own exchange and I can't even apply as our income is too low and I am directed to the state site which reported us over income (14.4 a year family of 4, so makes no sense)
We can appeal (90 days) or wait 60 days to reapply. With my wife leaving her job we do meet the requirement of a "change" . Meanwhile any Repub. that reads this will cry "This is all Obama's fault" and that's so far from reality it isn't worth a response. The state of KS would rather make us suffer so they can prove how bad O'Bamacare is. Which they don't even use because they do not want to not only expand they also want to lower income requirements to qualify...leaving some of us in this "Black hole" that wouldn't exist if KS used the national interchange. We are scrambling to get our meds covered, we were denied a few days into Sept so we had no idea we would be denied.
In no way is this my wife's fault. It's a miracle she made it as far as she did. I couldn't have done it. For those 1st timer readers, you'll need to read the last few posts for that to make sense. Her well being is first and foremost to me. She has carried this family on her back, pretty much alone, the last year and she has her own demons to deal with, some far worse than mine.
I can't walk from A to Z without having to be in bed (again, past posts but I have major back/leg/hip problems but they are on the "wrong side" so they are clue less) so even waiting tables is out, no way I could do it physically. Even if I would like to.
I don't know why God lets us go through more than we feel like we can handle. But I know he loves us. I know he desires to draw us close during these times...yet...the enemy tells us its one too many times, you have used all your grace up.
It's not true. His grace and love are unfailing. He does use our pain to hopefully bring us to him. Song for this is clear, close your eyes, remove any stimuli (Phones, TV, whatever) and just listen, hear the words. It's all I can do today