I want to clear up some statements I made on the last post. I realize I rallied hard against DBT and I want to sort of clear that up.
I see real value in its ability to bring my focus back to the present. I use this frequently. Of the exercises I have been shown, the one that has me listen, see and smell three things around me works really well. I think the general concept is then removing myself physically rather than stay and fight the emotions, should the encounter become unstable (Fear, fear of abandonment, etc...)
I've mentioned before that it is really difficult for a Christian to say...or even hint that depression and other issues can be managed simply by having a "better" relationship with God.
That's one hell of a burden to throw on someone that is dealing with MH. That sounds like someone is saying "If you don't get better" it's because "Your relationship with God suffers." That's neither a "Bucket filler" or a comment that would entice someone to church.
The same thought for me applies to DBT. I have extensively studied the "numbers" and claims of success. The articles that seem to be neutral estimate a 70% success rate (To some extene this number is not relevant as any % chance to fail is scary). I've seen numbers ranging from 60% to 80%.
30% is a pretty high failure rate. So when I see the "DBT Flag" being waved around as the "perfect" treatment is both scary (See above) and not realistic. Does that mean I think it shouldn't be promoted? Absolutely not. I think it probably does work 70% of the time. One issue here is the patient "feels" like their plan is not individualized to them and their situation. It's also not presented with any other treatments, that may not work for all but what about that 30%?
So I will accept DBT as a base form of treatment as long as its not portrayed as the "only answer...for ME."
I have a friend I have coffee with. He's mentioned a few times when I come back the next time, that he didn't realize or was unsure if I "got what he meant." That's due to me sharing encounters between our visits and occasionally how his advice helped and I applied it. He though maybe I wasn't listening or "getting his point." But I was...it just didn't look like it. I want to let my therapist know that as well. I know I subvert some of the DBT, but its needed. The operations manager in me feels a need to see why and not ONLY apply a "fix." Much of that may be my depression and that's the newest Diagnosis I was given, I never realized its severity.
On one hand, to me anyway, there may be different "experiences" some more traumatic than others, so I would say Yes use DBT, praise for those it works on, but some understanding for those of us that take a different route. Let's make our treatment individualized and I think my therapist is trying to do that but I sense her concern that I am not doing daily DBT work.
How do you then reconcile this. I've got 42 years of junk, many real times I was abandoned. Yet most of my "living in the past" was residing in safe, comfortable moments. Real or perceived. So now...I have to come to my present and well...it pretty much sucks. I have no stability in my life right now and I am terrified to go back to work.
My psychiatrist visit was tough. I know of 3 women, 2 with bi-polar one with severe depression, that their Psych Dr was actively involved with their case up to an including testifying. Well the Dr. told me that he, the organization he works for and no doubt my first psych Dr didn't do anything but release his notes. This was the Resident I was seeing, the author of such famous quotes as "What do you need, a month or two?" Any way back to the new Dr. I really like him and believe he truly cares. His explanation was that for him to participate creates a "Cash cow" relationship that isn't helpful for management of my disorder.
Tough to hear, first it hits abandonment, secondly it impedes my recovery as now I must focus on financial concerns. The hard part about the visit was I mentioned I may look for a PT job waiting tables. His response was "Right now you can't afford another blow up, its too early and could be too much." Not the sort of comment that is necessarily going to be in his notes.
How do you reconcile that with "I won't assist you with the one thing that would ALLOW you to get better." I no longer have the means to support my family. My entire tax refund is already spent. Only by the grace of God and my Dad we will have an "ok" Christmas. Jan rent and bills have not yet found a path to success. So yeah, it looks bleak. How does one hold out hope when there is so little. Truth is I don't have a work reference to use. I don't have any explanation of why I left my 6 of my last 7 jobs.
I realize a lot of my writing is angry and probably looks to others like I am wallowing in self-pity. Well I wish I could afford to. This isn't "self pity" its anger at the system itself. Followed by me beating the crap outta myself. So if my blogging strikes you as self-pity than I must say you probably really don't get me and how BPD affects me.
I get a lot of encouragement relating to my "great" self introspection. And I have railed against that statement. I think I figured out why. That same blessing means I REALLY understand the pain I have caused others. In a deeper way than others get it. I still have some relationships I need to repair. The other issue is with this "great understanding" causes others to "speed up" my recovery. One day self introspection will be vital, not right now though. Not for me, yet.
Please don't tell me "I don't want to get better." Nothing could be further from the truth. My ability to communicate and my "story" will find a way to be shared. I do see myself, once I get a better grip of me, being someone who speaks or writes to help others.
I also did a post on the thought that I had never "allowed" myself to face the consequences. I have never had a chance to grieve my sisters death, my mothers stroke, the relationships I damaged some irrevocably and the realization that some of the people that cared about me the most, no longer care. It's a fact. I sent 40+ e-mails to people including family. Deep, personal and painful. Like maybe 10-15 responded, including the 5 guys I identified earlier as being big supports. I know people have their own lives but how hard would it be to say "I'm sorry" or "How are you doing?" or even just that "I understand you are in pain."
I talk about Brandon Marshall often. A friend asked me, "What would you do if you got to meet him?" I'm not overly impressed with Pro athletes. Like any profession there are good guys, bad guys and apathetic guys. While working at the dog track I met several and a few coaches too. I enjoyed those encounters, I had a way of putting them at ease. Never once asked for an autograph and in fact turned Rick Sutcliffe down and that was hard, he was my hero and inspiration as a Pitcher. But the chance to talk to him 5-6 times was enough.
If I met Brandon Marshall. What would I do? Well I haven't had any encounters yet with another Borderline. If I even saw a glint of understanding in his eyes I would probably just cry. I can't imagine his own pain being in the public spotlight and in spite of being a die hard Bears Fan I am far more interested in how he handles these demons.
To even entertain that thought is however just me wandering back into my fantasy role. But I do still have dreams and aspirations