Some tools that try to alleviate that pain are meds, DBT therapy and exercises, and meditation. Sometimes none of those help.
I was rather taken aback when my Psychiatrist told me there was no way to effectively treat that with medication. He had suggested Tai Chi as a solution...of course he also said I wouldn't follow his advice because borderlines and those with Narcissism as a secondary diagnosis don't like and don't do homework. Thanks for the inspiration Doc :-)
There are several barriers though. One would be emotional or physical "cutting" or as I describe it an intense need to feel the pain...because emotional and physical pain are what we are used to and in a weird way we find comfort in those behaviors. This may include many other issues, drug abuse...gambling...sexual deviancy, etc.... Perhaps the biggest obstacle, at least for me, is that my "present" is tough.
It's tough to try and work on these behaviors when every waking moment is spent trying to keep my family from being homeless and/or uninsured. It robs me somewhat of my need to work hard with other treatments like the ones I describe above.
Seeing the effect this has had on my wife and kids is really hard guys. No parent wants their children or spouse to pay the price for them. And at times that is exactly what it feels like.
However, left unchecked, this can lead to a spiral downward and even the possibility of self harm or suicide or a major depressive episode. Speaking of...this has to all be taken in context..meaning we can be depressed for days and weeks...if depression versus borderline is the issue.
My emotions can vary greatly in one day or even in one hour. Can you imagine to go though pain, hope and joy, fear, fear of abandonment, love and faith...repeatedly throughout a single day? While I maintain its foolish to think all borderlines are the same...this happens to me some days.
Trying to deal with disability denials, financial needs as simple as a $5 field trip for the kids and needing to either make less than $800/month or more than $4000/month to make it...leaves me facing a chasm that feels as big as the Grand Canyon. I am basically unemployable. Many reasons which I have outlined in previous blog entries.
I have wavered on DBT therapy. Its true :-) But...the one thing that I LOVE about DBT is mindfulness. Being in the present...even if that present is so painful. I may grab my kitten and lay on the bed playing and petting him. Or my dog. I may go on twitter and see people I can offer support too (A great feeling when it happens)
I still have faith and hope. My father told me recently that God does not "rescue" us but rather redeems us. In some ways that is difficult to swallow. I mean God could have touched my disability judge to the point of approval. But I don't think that is how God works. He redeems us freely and frequently. But he only intercedes when its a part of his plan.
Some days I feel like Job in the bible. But there was a reason God put him through what he did. Doesn't matter if we know why, what, where, when and how.
I don't know why so many painful things have happened to me. I am in no way perfect and have fallen off the path of righteousness many ways but I have always loved God. Even in my darkest times I could feel and see his touch.
Here is thing that tests my faith. I feel abandoned (at times) by God. I also suffer from a disorder that makes any abandonment, real or perceived, so intense that I tend to go to any extreme t0 alleviate that. There are days I feel so removed from God's love and mercy that I am angry at God.
I think maybe he is allowing me to feel the intense pain so that I can help others. I can say "I've been there" maybe this IS his way of restoring me. I have to trust him. So today's song is one of hope.
God's not dead, he's surely alive