As I was leaving my Back Dr on Wednesday (A Pain Management Dr who gave me 2 injections) I was randomly picked to do a PTSD screening questionnaire. As I filled it out it really started to illustrate some areas that could be a form of PTSD, enough that I plan on exploring this in depth in therapy. It was really interesting and not what I expected.
Many of you following this know I have felt a strong desire (At times) to get mt message out. The good, the bad and the ugly- because that's real. The whole Rah-Rah I'm doing great and loving life isn't realistic. For myself anyway. I've fluctuated between moments of hope and others of deep pain. Pain unlike anything I have ever felt.
Pretty quickly my blog reflected the down side of our culture. My "positive" posts were far and away the most read, looked at. Re-Tweeted, Favorited, etc...
The dark days and entries were looked at lower, re-tweeted less and not promoted. That my friends is a big part of what is wrong with how we view Mental health issues. We don't want to talk or know about the bad days. Because they offer little hope. They can trigger others into depression as well I am sure.
BUT IF WE DON'T TALK ABOUT IT...ESPECIALLY THE BAD AND UGLY PARTS IT WON'T GET BETTER OR EVEN MORE IMPORTANTLY IT WON'T BE UNDERSTOOD
Yesterday I was contacted by an organization I hold in high regard. I was asked to share my story over the phone and possibly even at a larger venue eventually. She asked how much time I had and I replied How much time do YOU have :-)
We talked for about an hour. It was exhausting emotionally. I tried to give as much information as I could. At times it became very hard and emotional and the lady I was speaking with encouraged me to take my time, just breathe.
I have exposed some of my darkest deepest places over this last year. It's been lonely at times. The very relief writing gives me can also trigger me. The very encouragement I receive can be hard to hear or believe. The credit I have been given for embracing this can be a hard yoke to carry. I have lost and been rejected by friends I thought were life long. Many really weren't and learning that makes it painful.
As we wrapped up she began telling me how much she appreciated my openness, story, etc....and I of course said my usual
"Well, I'm not there yet, don't know if I will get there yet. I want to be a voice but I am still finding mine. One day I will make a difference."
"Even your darkest days can be a light and inspiration for others"
When I blogged a month ago about what it means for someone struggling with MH issues to have a "Brothers Keeper", that is exactly what we need to know, accept, understand and embrace.
Your darkest days can inspire others
Tell someone you care
Don't ask why, just love