But there is more to it. I am starting to look at the beauty in this world. Like many people that suffer from personality disorders, a good chunk (self included) find Fall their favorite season. Which is odd as fall is when light diminishes, the onset of Winter...all of which enhance depression...it's like a cycle where we like what we are comfortable with, regardless of whether that's a dark place or not
This is a hard time for my wife and I. We enter the season(s) where so many things happened.
Sept 2005- Sister dies after Tonsillectomy at home, leaving 2 girls w/no fathers behind, ages 15 and 3.
Feb 2006- Laid off from a good job- no reason given (Thinkin' I know now why)
Sept- March 2006-2007- Mother is a semi vegetative state after 2 strokes during an aneurysm surgery
Halloween 2007- My wife's sister dies from a breathing treatment at the hospital after being left alone. This, for all intent and purposes was her Mom and the person who rescued her from he abusive Father
Election Day +1 week 2008- Wife ends up hospitalized for serious, recurrent severe depression
Feb 2013- I walk out of the highest paying job I have ever had.
Sept. 2014- Diagnosed BPD at age 47
So fall/Winter are not the greatest for us. All along its been so much harder on my wife, her own sister, my sister and Mom who provided her with support and confidence. This will be the first full fall for me since the diagnosis.
Thing is, it will be hard to look at these things. I never really grasped the "finality" of death. What it really means. This last year I have been so afraid my Dad will die. I've lost everybody else.
But...I feel my strength getting stronger each day. I am trying to temper that to being happy...but also understanding it doesn't take much to plummet.
I can not underscore what Project 375 and mycounterpane have meant to me. They have allowed me to share this journal, featured me in a Q&A and just support me more than they will ever know. They have helped boost my desire to reach as many as I can. Not for personal glory but a sincere desire to stamp out stigma, create better access to services.
Please check this site out, its a really good place to say as little or as much as you want. In a safe and caring environment
Dear God- I know that only you can make something beautiful out of something so ugly and broken. I could sure use that right about now.
I can't let go of faith and hope. If I do, there is no hope for Michael Johnson.
In addition to a song :-) I posted a picture of what my graph looks like on mycounterpane....pretty cool graph