Worthlessness. Completely new concept to me as a BPD w/Narcissism I waltzed through life never too worried about where I was going as I was convinced I would be a success...and at times I really was. I never felt "worthless" as a husband or father or friend. I pour so much of myself into relationships and friendships that I always felt I had a role in others lives.
I have been more depressed the last month than I can remember. Since my last entry in early June, I find myself slipping back into denial....well not denial as much as feeling like my family and life are falling apart and I am unable to even move. Yet I realize that the only way (currently) I can effectively take care of my family is to let go of my issues....so for 6 weeks I blocked it from my mind. I have dreaded therapy....I don't want to talk about it, think about it...or until today even write about it.
The last 2 weeks something happened that I can not pinpoint. I feel more depressed than I ever had. I have lost my faith, my hope....and even any shred of belief that things will get better.
Reading that sentence above I imagine those without much experience or exposure to those suffering from depression, can even understand that sentence. Reading it....sounds like I am "feeling sorry for myself." Which is EXACTLY why people depressed find it so hard to explain, verbalize or receive empathy. So why say anything?
The pain I feel is excruciating. Life flies by as I struggle to make it through the day. Bills pile up, electricity in danger of being shut off....still 6 months away from what will likely be my last and final denial for disability. Blogged about at length in the past 18 months. If interested look back and at least monthly I discussed the process, its shortcomings and failures.
I hate being/feeling immobilized and without any hope....because folks...my faith and hope has been my driving source of what little strength I had. Don't waste your breath by saying either "All you need is God" or "All you need is DBT" When you say those things it completely robs me of grieving and working to get better.
I do need God and I do utilize DBT but neither alone is enough...for me. I have blogged at length of the need for individualized treatment versus snake oil salesmen with "one way."
Between a myriad of health issues and my back/hip issues and the Mental Health...man its been tough. My thyroid has been low, high, all over the place. BP high even on meds and as a non smoker. I spent May 28th in the ER for 13+ hours as there was concern I had a heart attack...which thank God I didn't...but the cause remains unknown. I think 26 years of smoking has left with COPD...which I ask for no one feeling sorry for me...that is all on me and a result of my own actions. Good news is since May 28th I have had not 1 cigarette.
People cut to feel pain...to feel anything. So when I go through these phases of extreme pain and sadness....I need to "feel" it...its an insatiable desire. Its like popping a pimple...some days I cut and get it all out...clean and neat. But other days....it gets infected and begins to be noticeable and look ugly.
Just like a real pimple...it looks worse to you than anyone else. Some people don't even notice....others do and some will offer "wisdom" by saying "Don't pick at it." Well those with acne understand that never happens...we all pick at them. But it leaves a blemish, a wound. One that while others may never see...stays with us forever.
Being depressed isn't feeling sorry for yourself. It's far worse. It's feeling out of control, hopeless, worthless, uncertain and high levels of anxiety. So I cut as many do. Either physically or emotionally. Here is an excerpt from the entry I did about emotional cutting
The practice of purposely seeking out things that you know will only hurt you
People suffering from borderline personality disorder, through no fault of their own, have no sense of safety within themselves, so are on a constant search for any form of safety from external sources. Unfortunately, and ironically, the ‘safety’ they have experienced in the past has been found in crises.They therefore feel ‘comfortable’ and safe in the midst of a crisis, whether this is in a relationship setting or any other. So they rebound continually from one crisis to another, feeling ‘safe’ in the moment of this unfortunate familiarity, seemingly ignorant of the stress and strain they are putting not only on their own well-being and recovery, but also on others close to them.They become stuck in this spiral and it is the most difficult of all achievements to spin themselves right out of it, as anything outside of this spiral is extremely threatening and unsafe, to them
Well that probably enough today. Going to leave you with a video that really speak to me (The words...the video actually is stupid and not even "official" The song is from an Australian Band and was an early 80's hit. While the entire song speaks to me...its really the end that hits home for me.
And now I'm standing on the corner, all the world's gone home
Nobody's changed, nobody's been saved
And I'm feeling cold and alone
I guess I'm lucky, I smile a lot
But sometimes I wish for more than I've got...
The song is "What about me"