Mostly my own self awareness. That was the hardest
After my diagnosis is 2014 I tried to embrace it. I started this blog, I studied everything I could about borderline personality. I was excited, crushed, happy, sad, rewarded and disappointed with the concept and daily use of dialectical behavior therapy. I worried if it didn't work for me that it was...well me. That was often reinforced by (Primarily) NON- professionals. Who need not try and treat people by the way. If you want to diagnose and treat people maybe go to school for it, I don't pretend because I draw well I am qualified to be an architect.
Shame and guilt are different. Guilt is a result of an action (Real or perceived) and shame is about how we feel about ourselves. These are so far apart they shouldn't be intertwined as it relates to self awareness.
As I realized that the gambit of people I had known in my life, and subsequently shared my story in great detail, came from all backgrounds. Republicans, Democrats. Independents, moderates, conservatives and liberals. Each of them would naturally view my story and deep e-mail entirely differently.
That never occurred to me. Here's why- below are a few of the nine traits of borderlines.
Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
- A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones, often swinging from extreme closeness and love (idealization) to extreme dislike or anger (devaluation)
- Distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self
This realization however didn't make it easier as people said/thought...but much harder. It was like I *really knew* the damage I had caused. I knew I had hurt people and relationships....some beyond repair.
What I hadn't done, and I believe this is not talked about enough with borderlines, is I hadn't been able to let everyone that had hurt me go or be responsible. This is because of another trait
- Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
My blog illustrates how I got to today....but I am unemployed, in danger of losing my health insurance, denied disability, in need of back surgery and financially devastated perhaps beyond repair. No matter what I have done I don't deserve that. Yet here I am.
I am ashamed to tell people, rather it be a casual encounter family or an old friend, what "I do." We often equate self value and identity to what "we do."
I don't want to have to justify where I am at. Much of it is my own doing, much is circumstantial. Some I can change, some I can't. I don't want to be ashamed of dealing with a mental health diagnosis that will take everything I have to control and deal with. I don't want my Doctor to tell me "Your doing great". What's the point of saying "Not really Doc." It's like they don't believe me which just makes me more ashamed.
I don't want to be ashamed anymore.