Two weeks ago I was feeling hope. Today that hope has been replaced by fear. Fear of losing everything, my family, my future and my hope.
I'm sure those that have followed along can get pretty tired of my own self loathing. I am hyper critical (Of myself and unfortunately others too). I am hyper aware....and folks need to stop saying how great that is because that enhanced awareness creates feelings that can be very painful and actually contradict the concept of being in the present.
I'm angry all the time. I lash out at the people I love the most. Two weeks ago as I blogged last time it all came to a head. I thought it would get better and in some small way it did but I did not. A week ago today I found myself doing an intake interview at the local Mental Health County clinic. Where the more "complicated" (severe) folks are treated.
I'm sitting in the intake in complete crisis, hurting, feeling alone. The guy is telling me how strong I am, how I have all these resilient traits. I found myself thinking, "Yeah, whatever" and "Well the alternative is death so the 'resiliency' is a survival mechanism- its not real).
What I said was "I function best in crisis."
What I meant was "someone....please listen. Please help me get rid of the pain. The anger and hurt"
I won't lie, as my title today says, I plan on everyone leaving me because its what I know, no matter how hard I try to accept it, its so painful I can't allow myself to get that hurt.
My anger has never been physical. I think there are reasons for that which I blogged about previously....and it doesn't justify the hurtful things I have said....but for what its worth I have never been physical.
About 7 years into my marriage my wife and I had a terrible fight- couldn't tell you what it was about...but we were screaming. I picked up the car keys and fired them into the wall. It scared my wife and she went to my parents for a few hours. A few weeks ago she shared with me that the thought running through her mind, reinforced by previous physical abuse, was "Just go ahead and hit me and get it over with." That was her mindset and unfortunately her life experiences.
Being abandoned has been mine. For those that buy in to the "inner child" mine is 4 and he is pissed, all the time. At age 4 I saw my mother attempt suicide. Blood everywhere....her screaming and so people tell me that's when the narcissism and borderline personality developed. Narcissism because at 4 that's where we are developmentally and borderline....abandonment. Those 2 subjects have been 90% of my blog so feel free to read some old entries.
Its also the source of my anger only at age 4 that anger carries a rage with it. The first therapist I saw worked with me back in the early 90's about being in control of that child. Reassuring him...putting him to bed so to speak.
Well it hasn't worked out so well the last 27 years.
Saturday Sept. 9th was my wife and I's 18th wedding anniversary. Approaching it I started realizing we hadn't been alone (literally) one night in 3 years, I rarely saw joy on her face. Rarely saw hope and often saw her trying so hard but doing so alone. I've more than owned my shortcomings and for my wife's part I'd say her not coming to me is her big one....it almost always leads to me seeing it and feeling abandoned and her falling into her patterns of old, with poor coping skills. Part of which is "I'll be fine" syndrome followed by "I don't want to be a bother" which almost always makes it worse later
Anyway.....Friday Sept. 8th my wife was pretty beat down emotionally and physically. I suggested she follow up at the mental health center with a walk in appt. So she went
Now to give you some insight into how my %^$*%^%^*&() mind works...
I just "know" she is in there telling the therapist what a rotten husband I am, that I don't love her, that I am angry at the kids....yada....yada..." while in reality she's in there saying "I'm a horrible mom and wife, I'm fundamentally broken..."
This may be a good time to illustrate how insight can be painful. When my "thoughts of her throwing me under the bus" at the therapy appt intersect with "her actual words to the therapist disparaging herself" mine win, in the heat of the moment. so knowing and doing are not the same and knowing later that it happened again just makes it hurt deeper.
She got home and wasn't doing any better, maybe even worse. She made a comment that just floored me. Something she shouldn't have said but at the same time was really just a poor use of a statement that she hurt me with. Serious yes but also appropriately handled with a simple "i'm sorry"
She paid a much higher price.
I was pretty sick over the weekend and at one point should have gone to the ER so I need to include that but we didn't we really celebrate the anniversary and by Sunday I had allowed Friday's comment affect me too deeply. I know my wife could feel the distance. In my mind she had already left.
Monday was a disaster. I became really upset and while I controlled my voice I did not control my words. I said some horrible things. I fell into my usual trap of wanting the person I perceived hurting me to feel my pain, emotionally. I knew I hurt her.
As yesterday went on she tried to put on a good face but I saw the pain, the emotional cut. Now for those of us in a longer term relationship we know there are different levels of emotional pain we cause each other. "Hurts" that last a day, others months or years. Some leave permanent scars.
Yesterday may have been one of those. I don't know if I can forgive myself or even want to. From the time of my diagnosis of borderline in 2014 I just knew she would leave me, now she had her excuse. Books like "walking on eggshells" gave an honest assessment of life with borderlines and probably bipolars.
In my heart I know she isn't going to leave me, that when she says "your stuck with me" she means it. I know I have to be aware that I don't force every issue to the point of being angry.
Mostly I know I have to create the atmosphere that she can come to me
So on the inside I wanted to say to my loving wife of 18 years on our anniversary
I love you. You are my soulmate, my best friend. My favorite line in every song, my heroine in every movie, and yeah a rare person that can put up with corniness and laugh with me and not at me (mostly lol).
I love you as much today as I did 18 years ago today, our wedding was the union of two lost souls a match I believe God knew long before us. We've seen our share of pain, we've loved each other and yes at times we have hurt each other but we have always held onto each other.
I am so sorry for the pain I have brought you at times. I'm so sorry that I don't show you enough how much I love you.
Your still #1 and always will be. We can do this. You asked me Friday if we would make it and I think we can and I want to try....with you by my side.
Your Still the one