After a few days of starting to feel "normal" (Whatever that may be) again I woke up at 2 AM again today full of doubt, fear and failure. Like my good enough wasn't "good enough" I hate feeling this way, I hate that I hate it so much. This may be depression as much as anything. I can't seem to enjoy the things I did, though I am very happy for my KC friends that The Royals are heading to the World Series though...maybe one day my Cubbies will as well. Probably the BPD talking ;-)
The vast majority of my life I have lived in the past. Those moments fluctuate between guilt and sadness versus fantasy and remembering happier times. I worry about the future but can't seem to ever fully enjoy the present. When I look at the past it's like reading one of those choose your own adventure books where each choice leads to a different result. So I may imagine what my life had been like had I gone to Benedictine to play baseball versus Tabor. Or what if I had studied harder and played all 4 years...stuff like that.
I'm trying so hard to live in the present, accept the past for what it is and hope the future is better. Not easy my friends. If it were then we wouldn't have the depths of MH issues we do. But whether I accept it or not I am where I am. I also control where I go from here. Combine those with the new found realization that I have to really avoid certain land mines and I am scared. I'm frozen. I've spent my whole life being very decisive when faced with a decision, that is part of my resiliency. So these feelings and indecisiveness are new to me.
The job is the real issue. If I face a situation I can't handle then I must be able to walk away and that isn't real conducive on the job. In no way do I feel like it will always be that way but it is for now and I don't know or want a time table on how long this takes...I already struggle with that enough on my own.
I really want to say that my wife has been so loving and supportive throughout this. Between her, God and my Dad not sure my recovery would be as hopeful. Our whole marriage she has unselfishly put everyone else's needs ahead of others. Every night she just holds me and that is a comfort I have learned to appreciate in so many ways. Seeing her strengthen during this time is a blessing, I know she doesn't always feel that way...but I see it.
When I feel down...this song always touches me and refreshes my spirit. Enjoy