My general health has improved. Except the back/hip. The long and short of that is my back has 2 protruding discs on the left side, a blown or all the way out (?) disc "leaking" on the right side and impinging a nerve. Due to the left hip being far more painful, numb, etc...we did a hip MRI and it showed a torn labrum in the hip, consult for that Friday. Thyroid numbers have been stable through 2 blood draws and although at times my pulse rises, it isn't over 100 or 110 like it was. Ranges 70-95.
There are a couple of reasons I haven't been blogging. Most things in my life have to be accomplished in the morning so much of my blogging was between 3-6 AM. Even at work, I excelled from 6:30-1, then I began winding down fairly quick. I think as I re-read some entries I feel "exposed." Not embarrassed as much as vulnerable.
I've been focusing on a few things in therapy and on my own. In therapy we are working with the preparation of the next "great tragedy" that hits me...and that's hard, really hard. I know I stated this before but since the diagnosis I have this "new" found understanding of the finality of death and certain relationships here and now. I am still discovering who I am, who I want to be. It isn't like very many of my "beliefs" have changed as much as an attempt to stay focused when others disagree, understanding that it's not a personal attack and often isn't even a big deal. While DBT hasn't (at least yet) been a big help it has in some area's, such as walking away, doing exercises to stay grounded in the moment.
Now I haven't seen my therapist in a few weeks, so the last one is one I need to process with her. I think I mentioned in my last post(s) one thing that was new to me was looking at things that had happened to me and accepting that they happened, yes they caused pain but we can't change the past. I'm sure that thought process is somewhat standard and very practical but in reality I think even the strongest of all of us would suffer some pain from some of the things that happened to me. I thought I had processed many of these events and in retrospect I did. A few of the more painful ones remain and are like an open wound, if poked (triggered) they really hurt, capable of knocking me off balance for a day or two. I had "processed" these events with a flawed mindset. My therapist knows what I mean here (I think lol) and we meet Monday so that's good, a few weeks with no appointment is a little hard.
No song or inspirational quotes today, not sure when I will blog next.