Sometimes when I reflect on these last 4 yours I feel some shame. Sometimes I chuckle and think "a little late for that MJ" as I have pretty much exposed parts of me through this blog, some I didn't even know existed. Some (many) of the entries have been cries of my hurt and pain...both experienced and dealt out. There are entries that are difficult to read because they brush against my revealing too much. Some are even uncomfortable for me. Some entries are anger, other anguish.
As I began to "get it" last fall, I realized how much "weakness" I had exposed. I know many of my friends wouldn't understand. Mainly because they are products of a generation that didn't show weakness. Men got up when they were knocked down. We were taught to never show weakness or vulnerability or any other touchy-feely things. Others I know felt uncomfortable for other reasons. Some I am sure feel like being around me would be uncomfortable, but they all have their own lives to live and one of the hard lessons I learned through all of this is that it really is your family at the end of the day, perhaps one or two really close friends, that cares about you. People without that family dynamic I think have a really tough hill to climb. But there are other supports that can help too. Whether it be church, pouring yourself into your career, therapy or lifelong friend(s). But having family is ideal.
This winter I really considered taking this blog down. I have no idea, among my friends and old co-workers, how many have read any entries. I doubt any have really read them along the way on a daily, weekly and monthly basis. Truth is probably a few read one or two entries, perhaps a few read more. But I don't know and its hard not to feel shame creeping up as I ponder that. I don't know how easy it would be too find if a prospective employer did a search. I'm not "Mr. social media" by any stretch. I have Twitter and Facebook. After a few months in 2014 I removed any and all references to this blog including any link I had posted. But how many of the friends I had read things....no clue but the fact it was on there for 3-4 months it was accessible.
My twitter account has been the means of my blog being on social media. I have very few known people as followers, it's primarily others with MH associations and sports fans. My blog link is on my profile and my favorite entry is pinned to my page. It's on what its like living in a state that does not offer Medicaid Expansion. You should read it ;-) Of late, other than the occasional update my blog has focused more on social and MH issues I see/experience. I hope to soon write an entry on what its like to be poor. Below is the direct link to the referenced entry above.
It's gone from mean to downright cruel - Living with Borderline Personality Disorder
So I realize in some ways its too late to worry about may or may not have seen the blog.
One of the real successes I think for me has been staying focused in the present while acknowledging two things.
1- Shitty things happen
2- I control the affect the overwhelming majority have on me. I control how I let that affect me which leads me to the main point
I control my own happiness. It's on me....not you
This leads to many other realizations. So as I reflect(ed) on what it really means to have this blog, keep it up and expose myself...the good, bad and ugly...and I realized something
I am not ashamed.
If my journey has affected even one person in a positive way I am eternally grateful because it starts there. If it hasn't had that affect that's ok too because its helped me accept who I am.