The next few days were some of the most painful of my life. Every few hours I was overwhelmed by thoughts of another person I had hurt or damaged the relationship so severely it was now permanently broken. The pain was deep and intense. A few days into this and I wasn't sure I was going to avoid being hospitalized.
My life has been littered with failure and unrealized potential. God gave me some very specific gifts and communication is one of those. I began to wonder if God's plan for my life was educating others about Mental health issues. My transparency has led to some deep exposure of who I was to others. It could be my biggest strength at times and my worst enemy others.
I decided I would not hide. I told everyone. Facebook, individual e-mails and now Twitter. I posted in several online gaming clubs and received more responses from online friends than any others.
My initial posts were emotional.
One thing I should clarify is I am a Christian and I give God the glory for getting me here. My story is only one of millions, but I believe all and any stories must be told.
I was *amazed* by the lack of response. I don't know how many people get my feeds but when I post funnies about my kids I get 30+ likes and 10+ comments. A week in and only a handful have responded and very few really close friends. Considering abandonment is the driving force for me behind this affliction, I am trying hard not to take it personally but part of me wants to scream: DON'T IGNORE ME- I am the same person you always knew, only now with some better understanding.
We need to talk every day about the problems of Mental health. Not just when it's too late. My story is again, one of millions. If sharing it can help anyone face their own demons, or help another person they know, then it will be worth it. We must overcome the stigma. We must not be afraid.
BPD is one of the most serious illnesses you can have. There is no specific treatment or medicine used. Some of the responses I have received are "I'm sorry" (Sorry??? For What?) or "You'll improve". That one is tough to hear because the truth is while I may improve, there is no doubt that if in a highly stressful situation that even comes close to touching my abandonment, I an unable to control my emotions. I have walked out on 10 jobs in the professional world in 15 years.
Today is an introduction. Tomorrow I will begin to tell my story, my struggle and the reason I believe God is vitally important to my recovery. Just so we can see how this journey progresses, I will include my original outing (Face book post) to look back at one day.