My head has been spinning as I said and combined with these intense feelings as I look back at my life and the relationships I have damaged, some irrevocably...it's been hard to get "un" stuck. And I hate it, I have always poured everything I have into Everything I do. Pretty much every review I got was positive, occasionally with comments about interpersonal areas I could improve. My issues were outwardly controlled so by all appearances I was "fine" until something would cause me to blow up and walk out which would leave an impression of "I'm not sure why he acted like that" The few jobs I felt safe in were easier to control and if I did "lose it" I could eventually calm down...so when it worked, it worked well...when something took me off guard or felt like I was being attacked it all went out the window and I couldn't control my response.
I think that's why I have resisted the people who have tried to be supportive by saying nothings wrong...or minimizing it. It invalidates what's really going on inside of me. It basically becomes a real problem if I allow myself to accept those things before they are really true, if they are ever true. Because there is something wrong, it is a difficult disorder to manage and even at my absolute best it will require great mental energy and fortitude to be on guard everyday the rest of my life.
If people will not accept that there are certain situations that the vast majority of BPD's can't control...then we do not have a starting point for effective communication, education and understanding of these disorders. While we have to accept that our brains don't always work the way yours do, if you don't accept that as well then you need to at least accept some basic principles about us, or ultimately it probably will blow up. We want to get better. We don't want to lash out at those we love but in order to have a good relationship with us...There has to be some understanding of what we go through without minimizing it. For our part we need to learn that we still are responsible for our actions and that we can get better.
I had mentioned a few times in previous entries that I was not sure I was really ready for DBT as I seemed so stuck in the past and wanted to process those things. I discussed this in therapy and Jess made a really valid point. She said that without the tools to effectively deal with the feelings, the danger was I would be dredging up painful memories without any effective tools in place to deal with them. She is so very insightful, I am so grateful for her.
So starting next week its back to DBT for me. I've promised to hold it together this week :-) I do wish therapy could be several times a week, its like going to church for me, I feel refreshed, but only for a day or so. We did discuss my sisters death yesterday. That is something that I haven't fully processed or allowed myself to grieve. So for the 2-3 of you reading this ( :-) ) tomorrows post will be about Lisa, I'm gonna try and really focus on a farewell letter to her. It will be personal. I miss her so very much. Today may have some tears but tomorrow will be a day to let her go, I'm ready to work on some closure.
Reach out and tell someone you love that your thinking about them, you just never know what conversation will be your last.