Almost every Christian band/artist will re-tweet or respond. Yesterday Plumb thanked me for acknowledging the impact of her music and God in my life. Validation is what we crave.
That made me feel good. It always does. A few sports folks respond to me as well and that is cool. Even Chris Cuomo and I have had a few conversations (Twitter).
For me, my fantasy world was always my safe place. The things I day dreamed about are so silly I hesitate to even write them. Heaven forbid I was in the car alone on a trip....:-)
As I begin/continue down the road of self-discovery I still tend to let my thoughts drift to grandiose things. I'd wager that 75% or more of the time, a song will trigger one. It will take me to a time and place that happened or to a day dream of what if...
I know I need to learn to live in the present and in reality. I know its part of my recovery.
Having said that, its been tough to let go. I feel safe there. I know in my core I am never going to meet Brandon Marshall and my wife won't ever win the Voice (Man can she sing though!) I know these things. Dreaming about them has been my coping mechanism for 43 years, its been my escape. My place of respite.
My diagnosis, while I believe is spot on, wasn't treated till I was 47 years old. It "feels" a little overwhelming to try and get better "quickly" and the truth is its going to take some time to re-train the brain. Part of Radical Acceptance is that I have accepted that right or wrong disability looks grim and I will have to do "Real Time" therapy and try to work...in spite of Medical Advice (Still burns my craw...they just "dismiss" the therapist's recommendation). Regardless I have no choice.
Another part of Radical Acceptance is that my life is what it is. I am here today regardless of how I got here. That's the tough one because to abandon my dreams touches what? (....Buehler....Buehler...anyone...anyone....) it touches my feelings of abandonment. I have to "abandon" these dreams, which include trying to reconcile with others. Some I can't find, others may not be willing to forgive me and yet others may forgive me but not feel the need to respond. I think at this point it would be more detrimental to me to continue trying to reconcile to my satisfaction as lack of response again triggers my abandonment.
So yeah, some of my pain is being self created. But I think after 43 years I just don't fully get the real world. Or my perception of your perception of what normal is may take some time.
This blog has had it's moment of anger and hurt, specifically as it relates to people I thought were life long friends just saying "I care" or "I may not understand it but I care about you."
If re-tweet can make my day...just imagine what it means to talk to a friend and just hear "Thinking of ya" or whatever.
If you know of someone who suffers depression just give them a hug. That's all ya gotta do
As far as me and my Dreams and safe zone...some I'm going to keep, specifically that I believe one day I will be a voice for others that hurt.