I have been meaning to put the URL for My Channel on You Tube. If you like different types of music I have some playlists up and continue to make more and add more.
For much of this week I have been doing Ok. It's nice to string a few days together. As I have said, if you don't have faith and hope...ya ain't got much.
Monday was nuts. I spent all day on Facebook, Twitter, Mycounterpane and Project375's website.
Those that have followed my blog know that initially I thought I could "Be the face of BPD" Here I was, a professional, 48 and ready to tackle this head on. Well for the most part these last 11 months I have felt more like the bug and less like the windshield most days. I'm learning to be the "Face of me."
Thinking I could be that was narcissistic, wanting to become that was a pure desire to attack stigma head on, but as I said, its felt like I am more of a bug. The wall I hit has been, for the most part, the immovable object.
About a month ago I began talking to Project 375 about my story. They indicated that they would like to publish a Q&A with me. It took time, waiting is not my strength. Then midway through it I had a terrible crash and burn a few weeks back. I contacted my friend there and said "Hey, I just can't do this right now."
Here I was, declining the opportunity to do exactly what I wanted to do. Reach the masses, tell them this is doable, offering deep insight into my mind and behavior. At the same time I had made plans to get together with a dear friend. He had been my sisters first true love, Captain of the football team. I had contacted him a year ago and asked if he would have lunch with me and my niece Jada. That is Lisa's (My sister who passed in 2006 when Jada was 3) oldest daughter. My dad and I wanted her to meet him, to talk to someone who cared deeply for her mother.
I cancelled. These are the moments I can hardly stand to be me. I will work my butt off to reach great heights...then the crash, the need to isolate, the depression all sink in. Then Flight or fight sets in. As a younger man with no responsibilities it was flight, as an adult w/kids and a wife its been fight (or quitting in a grand, huge fashion) Much of the fighting is with myself.
Remember the best quote of what BPD is, is "I hate you, Don't leave me" So that means I can be the one to destroy the relationship and come running back over apologetic because of the overwhelming fear of abandonment.
Maybe this will explain why I talk about the pain of my past. I have destroyed so many relationships by either running or fighting. I am weary. I am 48 so there is a lot of crap I need to work through and when timetables or expectations are put upon me it makes the whole thing more difficult. Yet I came into this with an analytical, operations stand point.
Here is a problem
What is the solution
How can we find the most effective way
Yeah that's not the best formula with this.
I know my friend doesn't hate me, he probably understand this more than many but it still is really hard to think I may not get another chance. In the past this is sort of thing I would block out as I was running or fighting, I couldn't face myself. I thought I was ugly, not in the way a girl does at 16, rather the way a 40+ year old man felt when looking at himself, didn't like the finished product. Now I have to face myself every time these things happen because I know the possible consequences and that is hard.
Maybe that explains why its hard for to hear how "good" I am doing. I'm on a track, the right one remains to be seen. If good is struggling as much as I have then please take me back to the "bad." That way no one will bother me and I won't feel like a failure. One of the reasons my ultimate goal is to live off grid. Nature, wife and kids, family...that's all I need.
Back to Project 375. My friend handled my e-mail good. She sent me an e-mail of kindness and validation...simple by saying she understood and if I changed my mind to let her know.
The next day a website launched. It's called My Counterpane. I am not sure of the exact nature of the relationship between them and Project 375 but it is at least a joint project. My Counterpane had me hooked immediately. It's very simple and easy to use. It utilizes a drop down menu where you can choose a mood that reflects your day. Then you can say nothing more, you can type as much as you want, can upload a video or picture. It has a really cool chart that shows your mood each time you put one down. You can click on it and it takes it to your entry and any comments.
I spent that day on there. Another neat function is you can pick past dates, the mood that day, and journal (if you want) what was going on that day. It is also for caretakers of those that have MH issues. The support has been OUTSTANDING.
It's all about normal, everyday people. A safe place, a place to feel good about who you are, to receive support and validation. I spent the day going over my blog and posting a date or two each month from Oct-Aug. The reason I did that is it allowed me to post the blog link to the specific day.
Please check the site out.
The next day I let my friend know I was ready to do the Q&A. A week later (last Thurs maybe) she e-mailed me the questions. I got the answers back by that afternoon. Friday she e-mailed me the newsletter that I think they sent that day
I was blown away. I was touched. I felt overwhelmed...but in a good way. It stoked my fire to stand strong against stigma. To fight, but to do so appropriately. To express justifiable anger at the system.
Every day though I try to tell myself.
Daily- e-mail or contact a friend and just say "No reason, just wanted to see how you are doing." We ALL have people in our lives that we know struggle. If someone says they are feeling down, depressed, etc...the last thing you should respond with is "Why?"
If we knew why...we wouldn't need help. It immediately puts us on the defensive as though we have to "justify", or have a serious enough issue to be depressed. Maybe a trigger happened...something that doesn't trigger an average person. (I am going to stop saying "normal" people and say "average" -Draw your own conclusion) Maybe we don't want to talk about, maybe we want to talk about anything BUT that.
In spite of wallowing through all this...I try to hang on hard to faith and hope. Today is a rare double song post. One about faith and one about hope.
The first one is from the movie "Facing the Giants" This move is awesome. It's all about facing your fears. This clip is the song overlaying the dialogue from scenes in the movie. Make sure to watch it to at least the "Death March Crawl" scene
My blog is my song that I sing