I think for the first time in 14 months I am beginning to have hope. As I have started dealing with "the general public" its still quite exhausting as I am (over) analyzing everything I say, where it came from, do I really believe that and most of all just questioning why I am saying that.
As I posted a week or so ago, for me, right now its winning the small battles as my "war" is now 14 months or 45 years old. Depending on the view.
As I started becoming a little more confident in what I say and what I believe I have had some success. Most of all I am feeling some of my "better" parts starting to feel that hope as well.
My passion has waxed and waned over this year but its been a burning desire for me to feel like and believe that I have a message and purpose. I believe God will show me if there are any doors open where I can immerse myself into this.
I'm still a little stuck in "liking" myself. As I mentioned the "over critical of ones self" is part of my issue but it goes much deeper. As I have been working on allowing others to be responsible for how they may have hurt me its hard. Seeing my mothers attempted suicide at age 4, at an age where you feel every action is a reaction to something you have done will leave me struggling with that for awhile. You throw on top that I lobbied hard for her surgery w/out seeing a second opinion. Her corresponding massive strokes have left me with my mom but she suffered brain damage and isn't capable of having a personal relationship. So yeah...when people say I am lucky she survived, and I am grateful as well, it can be a little hard because they have no idea she is nothing that she was. That sweetness still occasionally sprouts up but mostly she talks non-stop, asks a lot of personal questions and can be really mean. It's had a real profound affect on my marriage as well.Mostly bad.
What has propelled me the last 10 days? Well it started on a Saturday when I was really down. Felt like my blog wasn't reaching an audience. Felt like I wasn't really being validated and was wondering why I was doing this. Some of its very painful.
I received a card on that Saturday. That card was from someone near and dear to my heart though we have never met. Thanking me for my role, my voice and just who I am.It was like having someone reach out to me was so exciting and humbling. It also made me realize that I have more work to do. I am ok with that.
From Friday evening till that Saturday morning I fought everything I had to go cleanse my Twitter and Facebook accounts, take my blog down, and retreat. But I didn't. I kept thinking I really need to think about this and make a rational decision when emotions are not so strong.
That's where the humbleness comes from. I need to practice what I preach. I need to do my part and God will do the other(s). That's my next goal, to try and forgive myself enough to start attending church again.
Pray for me. Listen to this song. Word for Word speaks to me. Great singer in Britt Nicole