Today I really want to convey- Hey don't feel sorry for me. I have a *great* support team in my Dad, wife, a few key friends as well. As painful as this is, I can not imagine how hard it would be without the support I have. I will be back, I will discover myself. I'm 47 and this respite may be last opportunity to prepare myself for the longer race.
Today I am working on focusing on my faith. It's very easy for me to want to rely on God during tough times and then just run with my own life after the crisis has passed. I then run it into the ground, creating the need to get through another crisis. My faith may not show through on each post but it is a vital part of who I am and I know that during the toughest times of my life, though I may have been "looking away" he was there for me. I realized I don't have to go through this alone. I have someone who loves me, cares about me and created me. He has no time table and he promises those that believe that his yoke is easy and his burden is light. We talk about turning things over to God, this is something he can help me handle.
I had breakfast with my mentor/friend on Tuesday. I always enjoy my time with Michael. He has keen insight and perspective. Over time we have established a friendship and I enjoy hearing about his life as much as sharing mine.
A big part of BPD (At least for me) is this (Actually listed 1st on the 9 symptoms)
1) You are idealized sometimes as the greatest person alive, while at other times you are seen as the worst person. People with BPD often have skewed views of people, whether they be acquaintances or people that are an everyday part of their lives.
I had shared with Michael how moving the song "Hallelujah" is to me. I shared the you tube link so he could watch it later. The song speaks to me as the artist literally delivers the word Hallelujah in a voice representative of the verse just sung. I began focusing on the verses themselves and the one that just stuck out to me was this
There was a time when you let me know
What's really going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dove was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah