All I hear is how "good" I'm doing. What sort of great "hope" there is for me. That somehow understanding this will cure it. Well folks I have 42 years of pain, memories and thinking a certain way. Understanding that may be half the battle but as I keep saying losing is also 1/2 the battle...lets work on winning the whole battle. I don't think the people trying to be supportive really understand BPD. To keep telling me how "good" I am doing while I am completely immobilized really invalidates how I really feel. It also puts a tremendous amount of pressure on me to please the few people supporting me. I guess from where I sit to tell a BPD how great their doing is actually really bad...for me anyway. It doesn't allow me to grieve and work through some really fucked up issues.
Hey WORLD- I gave you ALL I had for 27 years. I have nothing left to give until I get some serious healing...and PLEASE Don't put a timetable on that!!!!!!!!!
I am about to offer some unbelievably deep insight to a real time encounter last night between me and my wife. I offer this in the hope that it helps someone someday. I wrote this to my therapist today at 5 AM ish.
Well...I did everything on my power to end my marriage last night. Basically didn't sleep so forgive the emotion....I am so tired
Michele has been pretty down this last week. A few times I tried to engage her but with no luck. Last night I pressed her to share with me and she said she was just so tired and burned out.
I guess that must have triggered a bunch of things as I just lost it. I'm so tired and have no interest in blogging this as it's too painful. But I don't know what to do. I don't know if I can make it much longer. Between the sleep, the finances, my wife, my understanding of how much pain I have caused....I'm barely functioning. I don't feel like I know any longer what is best for me, the kids or Michele.
I am feeling angry and unappreciated. I wanna strangle the Dr (NOT literally) as just last night showed me I am nowhere ready to even be a part of society much less be in a position of having to find and then maintain a job.
Jess, I said some really hurtful things and I couldn't stop. I accused her of not having enough to give me, I said many of the same things I said in 08 (I was like are you kidding me Michael, your saying exactly what ruined this marriage before) I am afraid I may be right though. Michele's depression is so severe that she often can't look past herself and her own feelings...or she goes to the other extreme and bottles everything up. She shared that she just can't handle taking care of my Mom. In my heart of hearts I wish she could just be a stay at home Mom. I know employment is hard on her and it was never the plan for her to work at all.
It's not something I can talk to my Dad about as he is so intermingled financially with us. He had the "talk" with me about needing to have any financial help come to an end. It's very hard to hear that...of course I don't want to affect his retirement but it begins putting pressure on me to find a job that pays enough, possibly end counseling if it's a Mon-Fri 8-5 job. I'm going to be right back where I was and in no way ready for that.
So how do I go tell my Dad that Michele needs to come to an end in caring for mom. Then in the same breath explain that will require us to possibly split up as we have no money and no place that can take all 5 of us in. That first conversation causes much anguish between my dad and I. He refuses to see past the fact that we need income and in his perfect mind there isn't a single viable argument that he accepts because he believes the job is so easy.
Meanwhile my Psych is telling me how great I am doing,,,it's like "Really? Are you listening to the words coming out of my mouth?"
Back to last night. Jess I really may have said some things that aren't easy to take back. I have to weigh that vs. what I need, what Michele can realistically offer, the affect on the kids, the fact that her Mom and brother haven't reached out to me just digs that knife deeper. I am afraid that if Michele tries to give too much to me it will destroy her but yet I am hurting so bad and with the finances it takes away my main support person (My Dad) because our talks always have a $$$ part to them.
I know part of me is rejecting Michele because at the base I am so sure she can't make it with me. Knowing how much of that is really on me has brought me to a stand still. I don't know if I need to go to the hospital. I am so down I am not thinking straight, at one point I left and went to get in the van but came back in and argued more.
Near the end she came to hug me and I pushed her away. That hurt her more than anything I said and it hurt me. I couldn't believe what I was doing. Jess- I'm also not sure I am ready for DBT. I have so much pain in my past that I can't even focus on today. Or getting better. I feel like if I continue to minimize and not work through the past we are just wasting our time. I wonder if we need to at least mix in some cognitive....you saw it Monday...I couldn't connect to the material.
I can't hurt my wife anymore. I can't take her withdrawing from me either. I don't what to do