I've blogged a lot about how lonely this disease is. There is no easy fix for that. We are either afraid, ashamed, embarrassed, feel like we have let others down and we are afraid to say anything because we don't know how to explain it ourselves. Then to top it off we fear the worst...which is when someone asks WHY
We don't know why. Often, the world we created for ourselves feels...and may be safer. So when we venture out, regardless of how we appear outwardly, there are fears both real and imagined that can make being in public very hard, at least for me. And that is new. Knowing when, where and how are hard to determine, for me anyway.
The odd thing is when we feel lonely we really want to be alone. Now that can be a way if its how you process things (I can't with outside stimuli) but that must include talking it out with someone you trust...we are a pretty tame breed when we work our anger out and can often receive the best advice when we are past the "I hate you" and on to the "Don't leave me"
This puts an increased emotional workload on the caregivers. It happens suddenly and if not addressed can result in an explosion with the same old Mantra "I hate you don't leave me" yet its unfair to expect a spouse/lover/dear friend to immediately and unequivocally give us 100% of their attention. So we decide we have been abandoned, we freak and now we hit "I hate you, don't leave me" again. It's a vicious cycle.
Back to loneliness, WiKi says
" Loneliness typically includes anxious feelings about a lack of connectedness or communality with other beings, both in the present and extending into the future. "
Now to note, it describes anxious feelings present and future and a lack of being connected
My first venture out in 6 months last Thursday resulted in a panic or anxiety attack.
Here is where it gets tricky. I can't handle the intensity of others, I have never been real good with ppl real up all the time, rah rah or whatever, I struggle with boundaries. I really struggle with those that don't respect boundaries, Some I need in place, right or wrong, expressing them is another thing, thats where I get angry, misread things, etc.... The tricky part is when through therapy for example, you develop skills (DBT) and coping mechanisms (CBT) and off you go! Ready to face the world!
Guess what. The first or maybe second time something triggers me or I feel "wronged" I will not think of anything but fight or flight, all the therapy in the world goes out the window. I don't know if I will ever be able to control that.
My biggest fear is my next explosion would be my last. That I will lose my father, wife or kids. So I don't know what my recovery looks like and No, it isn't pleasant or exciting I'd just as soon skip it, thank you very much. However, I will learn who I am, what I really believe and how can I best use my tools to positively effect others.
My song today isn't as much for me as it is for others who are struggling that may see this entry
Here are some of the lyrics that really speak to me
Days will come when you don't have the strength
When all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart
They'd see too much
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
and Praying that you have the heart to fight
Cuz you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
and they are nothing in the shadow of the cross