To sort of set the stage for yesterday. I was coming off a really good stretch and I started to feel the crash coming on. Wed. are easily the toughest day for me as I am isolated at home alone all day. Yesterday was our anniversary and with my wife working 9 hours and $8 in the bank for the next 10 day's didn't lead to a celebration.
I am tired of my life being littered with broken promises, too many I cant's when I can. Spending all non-bill money like we are rich. Cashing out every retirement account I have. Not good.
Today's post though isn't about me it's about my wife.
I knew from the moment we met that she was the one for me. She felt the same and after a whirlwind relationship we married 9 months after we met. 9-9-99. I adopted our son and we have had 2 girls and a 3rd (mine) who lived with us for 4 years, she is bi-polar/manic.
By 2007 the marriage was suffering. She had lost her sister less than 2 years after we lost mine and my mom had her stroke. Her sister was her mother and their relationship was special. I failed to go to the funeral, I was at odds with her family and still upset nary a one of them sent a card/attended/told me they were sorry about my sisters death. Selfish on my part I needed to go for my wife.
Within a year the marriage was in complete shambles. A week after O'Bama was elected she had a suicide attempt and ended up inpatient. She had convinced herself that I was going to leave and take the kids, she fell prey to a guy who had gone through many married woman, he was a predator. They had a 1 time affair which led to the suicide attempt.
Now you know that all the pain I have ever described is a drop in the bucket as compared to Nov. 2008. Perhaps it gives insight to my writing. I felt a pain I have never felt, never thought I would. The day she was hospitalized I googled "How to survive an affair" and was given this website
Along with an outstanding therapist for her this site saved our lives, our marriage. I never thought I could stay w/someone after that...but I did. Our love and our family make it all worthwhile. We set some basic rules that apply equally to both of us One is we will never spend the night apart again, ever.
It's taken years for me to accept that I had a role without excusing her behavior...or as I keep saying...allow others to be responsible when they hurt me.
The affair was precipitated by my checking out and her feeling like she could no longer care for my mom. When she would approach me I would say things like "It's my mom I don't want hear it" or "Would you rather be homeless?" Started at 60 hours a week, went to 45 but it was too much. My mom picked on her and she had been so close to my Mom and virtually nothing from her own Mom... that it hurt so deeply. My mom would say things like "I wish you had died instead of my real daughter" I mean it tore her up and I kept riding that horse till it had nothing left.
It is only through the grace of god we made it. The first time I went to see her inpatient I said "I no longer have any answers other than to turn this family over to God. I know you believe in God but are angry at him and that is ok"
Those were the only words spoken in an hour. We hugged and kissed like teenagers. My love for her came back in strong waves. To this day our marriage and family are the one great thing in our lives.
We told her never again would we ask her to care for my mom. After I lost (Quit) my job in 2013 she went back 2 days a week, never consecutive. That grew to 3 days a week when I quit my next job. She had taken a break the summer of 2014 and I quit in late Aug of that year, diagnosed in Sept.
She went back, 2 days a week and 5 hours Sunday. Then we added Sat mornings so now she was up to 2- 9 hour days and 2- 5 hour days but on the weekend so once school started the kids never see her. She is mentally exhausted when she gets home.
Yesterday she reached her limit. I know she has been struggling and when she just fell apart (Over a hurtful comment by a person not my Mom) we ended up in the crisis center this morning. I left the room so she could pour her heart out w/out worrying I would be hurt.
I am grateful this event pushed her back into services. She is going back to where she had been going and will see a Psych where I do.
She gave her notice to my dad that the end of Sept was it. He was very gracious. No clue what we will do to replace that income...I may be forced to go to work before I am ready.
So maybe people can see why my abandonment issue runs so deep I have had a lot of crap happen.
My wife is my priority. We have no insurance, we have no income. We have each other though.
I am going to go now. I am so grateful for the people that have read this. I may write everyday or I may take a break...not sure yet.
Today's song is an oldie but goodie (Christian) It's called
Blessed be your name. Here is a quote as to why this is my song today
Blessed be Your name when the sun's shining down on me
When the world's “all as it should be”
Blessed be Your name
And blessed be Your name on the road marked with suffering
Though there's pain in the offering
Blessed be Your name