I haven't yet fully digested being denied for disability. As I read it again it's pretty obvious that our country still doesn't treat MH very seriously. It actually stated "There is evidence that you are unable to return to your current field but not enough that you are unable to work at all."
Hmmmmm....well that may hold true of there were different degrees of BPD. It's pretty clearly stated that either being unable to find a job OR maintain employment is the criteria. I ask you, the reader, to look at this blog and let me know if you would hire me. Please bear with me. As I said I haven't really processed it yet and so I am sorta of doing that now. Until I am able to actually use the tools I am trying to develop....just walking away needs to be an option for me. Not real conducive to the job market.
What do I tell a potential employer? Do I lie? Do I say that I have a mood disorder that prevents me from having healthy interpersonal relationships? But it's ok because the Gov't thinks all I need is a pat on the shoulder, a pill and I'll be fine. Do I say unfortunately I have no references but trust me I'm a good guy? The most pressing issue for me is getting into a situation I feel trapped, attacked or angry. I'm nowhere being able to control my emotions and I have no idea when I will be.
It's pretty apparent attempting suicide is something they take seriously and that's just sad. Don't worry I am not nor do I ever think I would be suicidal. I have a lot to live for no matter how hard it is. I'm simply trying to illustrate a point.
So....all that I still haven't processed. Still working on it. Still being attacked by a completely foreign feeling. Helplessness, loss of hope. My whole life I have lived with the belief that tomorrow is another opportunity to succeed. Can't see that right now, can't imagine what that looks like.
I've been to the grocery store 1x in 2 weeks, other than that I haven't left my house. I'm petrified to leave my "safe place." Not even sure why, its a new feeling and its foreign to me. I'm watching my wife wear down. I'm powerless to be much help.
I want to close with something. I get a weekly report on this blog. I have been pleasantly surprised by the actual number of folks that apparently read this...or one of you is logging in over and over lol.
Here's the problem. All my peak days are when I have a positive blog. That's great, lets get the word out that there is hope, lets get my story out there for educational purposes.
Let's not however shy away from re-blogging my bad days. Let's be real. Let's discuss the struggles and not just the victory's, anything less is not accurate. DBT focuses on validation. That is lacking on the bad days...when I need it the most