I have blogged at length about disability, as it relates to Mental Illness and specifically the tantamount difficulty in Men being approved for disability. I applied in Sept of 2014 and after the customary 2 denials I obtained an attorney and she stated next Feb would be the earliest. I was notified by her office yesterday that my hearing was scheduled for 10/27.
For the same reason its difficult for men to get disability (About 7:1 in Mental Health women/men approved) its difficult to feel like you are disabled. It's not like an arm was cut off. It won't be hard to show this has been a life long issue nor will it be hard to show that it may be awhile till therapy really sticks...and that is where it gets murky
To obtain disability you must have a condition that will keep you disabled your whole life. You have to prove you can not work...then if approved they do all they can to get you off disability. The reason that gets murky is because I do believe that I qualify but I don't believe that will be forever. I do believe it will be a part of me forever but hope to learn over time to manage it.
I barely slept last night. Anxiety, realizing we are a mere 3 1/2 months from the hearing. I won't meet with my attorney till mid Oct (With BPD that's hard to both wait and give up control)
I've heard that sometimes when potty training a toddler some will hang onto wetting themselves as they feel its the only thing they control. Don't know if that's true but if it were I think for me (Maybe all Borderlines) it plays out with control. It's very hard for me to give up control of my life. It's affected my relationship with God, friends and family.
People were drawn to me...which is sort of funny. My (appearance of) leadership stemmed from a defense mechanism. A need to control and not be challenged. I'd say in 15 years of management I have terminated 4 people I wanted to. All 4 deserved it but I think once I decided that there was no hope for that person there was no chance they were going to make it....and that alone precludes me from feeling comfortable in Management.
I think between an unshakable need to be in control of anything that impacts me along with the narcissism are my root issues. As I lay in bed last night unable to sleep I started thinking about my narcissism and it hit me- that was a defense mechanism I created as a child. If I could come on strong enough or portray an outward aura of self confidence it allowed me to feel safe.
I hope to really explore this in therapy.
As far as disability, I am trying to turn that over to God and my attorney...very difficult for me. If I focus on it, I will be consumed by it.
For those of you that pray, please don't pray I "win" my case, rather pray that God's will be done.
Today's song is from my favorite musician, Jim Croegart. He was our music leader when I was younger. His biggest hit was covered by Sandi Patty and did very well (maybe even #1?) on the charts. It's an Easter song called "Was it a morning like this" Its easy to find on You Tube, great song.
Today though, I want to share another song he wrote and was sung by Steve Bell a fairly well known Christian Artist. It's called "Here by the Water" here are some parts that really stick out to me
i think how a yearning
has kept on returning to move me
down roads i'd never have chosen
half the time frozen, too numb to feel
i know it was stormy
i hope it was for me a'learning
the blood on the road wasn't mine though,
someone that i know has walked here before
and here by the water
i'll build an altar to praise him
out of the stones that i've found here
and i'll set them down here
rough as they are