The emotions have also dulled some. Still struggling some though with waves of sadness and regret. As we began therapy as a family and shared my condition with the kids I was pretty anxious on how they would respond. Isolation for me is both a necessary part of my recovery but it has to be balanced with not isolating so much I lose touch with my family.
As we went through Family Therapy I was pleasantly surprised that the kids were so honest. Here is the hard part...even though they shared how my anger affected them they all told me how much they love me and that all they want from me is more of my time.
It's hard to accept that others love you when you don't love yourself.
I've really begun carving time out. My son and I have spent every day since Sat "doing something" together. I realize I haven't said as much about my son but that post is still coming. I've spent some good time with my 11 year old as well.
There are consequences for some of my behaviors. This week for DBT we are focusing on:
1- Distressing situation
2- Old coping strategies
4- New coping strategies
5- Healthier consequences
The goal is to train the brain to work this way. Incrementally. Small success early, solid foundation as treatment continues, it is helpful but doesn't really work with depression, for me. I get stuck on #3 and I need to acknowledge those without condemning myself. At the end of the day I have lost some friends but its a bit different with the people you love and are family.
The Wed before Halloween I had sorta jumped on my 11 yr old, unfairly and due to my own needs. My straight A student failed her math midterm the following day and now has a C. There is no way its not due to that interaction. No therapist or friend will convince me otherwise (ALERT-BPD Statement) It crushed me. It's also indicative of anti-social behavior as I applied 1 rule to Jordan that I don't live by myself. That is no arguing before bed or before work/school.
Part of coming out of this fantasy world is realizing some basic beliefs don't apply. You would think with the death and tragedy my family has faced I wouldn't think this way...but I realize I haven't really ever thought I would die young, and hopefully I don't!!! But I am getting in touch with the fragility of life and the fact that I have wasted so much time, especially with my wife, kids and Dad.
Today...we have 2 videos! The second is by Conway Twitty and is called "That's my Job" and it was the song I used/sang at my baptism as it talks about a fathers love and I realized I had a great earthly Dad, a great heavenly father and I wanted to be that as well. This verse in particular
"And I said, "Daddy, I'm so afraid
How will I go on, with you gone that way?
Don't wanna cry anymore so may I stay with you?"
And he said, "That's my job, that's what I do
Everything I do is because of you
To keep you safe with me, that's my job, you see"
I want my kids to know that they are safe with me, I want that so bad....
The first song....well that's where this song fits in. I plan on playing it for my kids this weekend.
"Last night I dreamed I died and stood outside those pearly gates.
When suddenly I realized there must be some mistake.
If they know half the things I've done, they'll never let me in.
And then somewhere from the other side I heard these words again.
And he said, let me tell you a secret about a father's love,
A secret that my daddy said was just between us.
He said, daddies don't just love their children every now and then.
It's a love without end, amen, it's a love without end, amen."