I'm going to attempt to peek out of this shell I have been in this week and try and talk about some hope. I'm NOT "feeling it" but intellectually I can see a glimmer of hope. So...I am going to practice some faith. My favorite definition of faith is
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
My life will go on. Yours will as well. The world is not patient. It does not wait for those that need respite. Make no mistake folks this is one nasty disease and any hope of getting better does take some faith, the ability to believe in something you can't see.
There will be days my posts are more "down" than others. That's simple plain honesty. That the beauty of a real time blog. And for any new readers I am brand spanking new with this, diagnosed Mid-Sept of this year.
It's hard to keep faith. The very nature of being certain of what we do not see is foreign to us. As I continue to do more research and read more blogs I see failure is a part of this. Especially for those without adequate support. As much as it's nice to tout awareness the evidence is there about failure as well. Reading a few sites the all say about 10% of the time getting the diagnosis makes it worse. 10% of the time people do not react well to therapy. There is also a lot of discussion about DBT vs. Cognitive, which is better, which should be used, etc....
That tells me that we are so far behind in the research of Mental Health that basically its the middle ages. It's an uncomfortable subject for way too many people. The rate of newly diagnosed patients is staggering as well. It's not understood. My disability denial stated that I do have BPD, I may be unable to work in my field but there wasn't evidence that I couldn't work at all. The problem is it really doesn't matter what I do for a living as much as how I react to interpersonal relationships and yeah....still a part of me is pissed off. I do (want) to believe I will get better. I don't know what that looks like yet. But its pretty apparent that I need some long term structured therapy. The danger of "letting loose" someone with a severe MH issue them switches to "losing" them. There seems to be a disconnect. On one hand its serious enough to warrant therapy, meds and at the end of the day there is not yet a set course of treatment. I grow weary of everyone wanting to assign a time table. Please stop. Please allow me to recover so that I can have some hope of a normal life. Pushing me out of the "nest" before I am ready holds much danger.
It's pretty hard to hear "How well I am doing" when I feel like shit 75% of the day. It completely invalidates my need to understand, embrace and deal with. Apparently the government thinks all I need is a pat of the back and an "atta boy."
Were it that simple of a fix, we wouldn't have a problem. However I digress and I have gotten off message of Faith and hope.
Regardless of how I feel today there will always be that part of me that is a fighter. It's not as prevalent yet but its there. I have had a few moments in my own life that God has answered a prayer, sometimes before I have said Amen! I look through the bible at many that have suffered, almost all way more than I have. But they all had faith and most had hope. The bible is full of parables and examples of Jesus caring for the poor, weak and tired. He stood up for those that couldn't do it themselves.
Back in 1993 was when I first can say I really believed. It was another tough time for me. I had always been moved by a guy in our church who is a musician. His songs are so good, so well worded and capture so many different feelings. I have his CD's and can listen at anytime. His name is Jim Croegaert. Much of his music is not available on YouTube but here is the link for his site
That allows you to listen to some of his songs. His most popular song, "Was it a morning like this", was covered by Sandy Patti and was Christian song of the year in the late 80's (I think lol) It got to the point that is was being requested so frequently that Jim decided to save it for Easter only. I REALLY encourage a visit to his listening room.
I am unable to pick just 1 song. So I want to talk about 2 that sort of intertwine. One is called "I want to walk with you Jesus" and may very well be my favorite. There is a line in there that speaks to my heart. It goes like this
"I want to walk with you Jesus. Show me the road and I'll go. There's much that I cling to and don't want to leave, that I'm better off without I know...I have so far to go do you mind...if I rest here and unload my mind"
The next one was also a popular song he released called "Here by the water" This one I have included his link as its one he allows you to listen to free on his site
Dear God, if my life is a mere stone in this vast world please hear this: (Words from above song)
I think how a yearning
Has kept on returning to move me
Down roads I’d never have chosen
Half the time frozen
Too numb to feel
I know it was stormy
I hope it was for me learning
Blood on the road wasn’t mine though
Someone that I know
Has walked here before
Lord you have walked this road long before I was even a twinkle in my dad's eye. You created me, you accept me with all my imperfections.
Jim- Thank you for your music,. It has touched my life so many times in so many ways