One thing I strongly believe is everyone's pain feels painful to them, while there my certain degrees its somewhat equal to each person that exp. pain. We can re-direct, practice being in the present but my belief is that before the that can happen we need to heal. My specifics are to give insight to what someone with BPD/PTSD experiences a very REAL (Vs imagined) Trigger, again mine is abandonment.
One thing I need to say about my Mom. Her Mom died when she was 3, her brother at 16 (and this is a long story but to personal to a share.) and her Father at 17. In addition when her Mom died her 4 brothers went to stay with family but no one would take my Mom so she spent time in an Orphanage. So it explains some of her behaviors.
1) At age 4 I witnessed my Mom attempt suicide. This is where the break comes from and is the one I do discuss.
2) From age 2-5 Mom was in and out of Mental Hospitals **As they were called 69-74 and using pills. I only remember her being angry and me not responding probably in fear that I would cause her to kill herself, dating back to age 4 where a kid believes everything going on is related to their actions
3) My mother becoming a great person (Externally) a mentor and awesome. From age 10-now it's only immense love I feel...and great guilt. Then her not coming home the morning of my 30th birthday, that was the begin of a rough patch for Mom. We almost lost her from some poor decisions she made. She never fully recovered from her own guilt but by the time her 2 granddaughters were born she got better, a little and loved them.
4) My unexpected death of my sister, I have a few posts on that
5) Me pushing Mom to get the surgery that ended up in her stroke and brain damage. I can't dwell on that long its painful
6) Several other things from 05-09. Deaths, loss of job, marriage on the rocks
6) In 1994, after failed attempts to try and make it work between me, my -ex and our daughter. We tried 2 summers in a row. The second one ended like this:
We had ended a weeks vacation in Hot Springs with family. My ex developed chicken pox coming home. So my aunt/uncle, Mom and Dad and Sister and Niece went camping for 5 days in Northern WI (No cell phone) My daughter, ex and I stayed behind at a cabin 60 miles N of Chicago (Home at that time) I had actually met her when living in Kenosha so her step Dad lived fairly close. On the Wednesday of that week we were at the cabin my ex told me she had a Food Stamp Interview in Chicago so she would be leaving for the day. We barely had gas for the round trip but she was going shopping with her step Dad the following day and he would give us gas money. That day I took my 4 year old out to fish in our small row boat. I heard her say "Daddy" and I turned and saw really dark clouds coming and the wind would fight my stroke hard. It was a powerful moment I think it would be an awesome painting. I made it back home as the storm started across the lake. When she looked at me with fear and complete trust that I would protect her it was so powerful. I was her Daddy and I think I understood what that meant for the first time. Which makes Thursday even more painful.
She was really late getting back on Wed and brought beer, but no gas in tank, again telling me Thurs her step Dad would pay. I was really angry she was late, caused a huge fight. She was also an adult running around with chicken pox.
Thursday morning she told me I wasn't invited to go shopping, I said why? She said it was just time for her, stepdad and Bianca. I was like "Really?" after a week in Hot Springs on a resort with my family you now say I can't come. Another argument. She convinced me to spend the day fishing and step dad and her would clean and cook the fish and we would have a fish fry. We had a stern, lengthy discussion that being home at 3 could mean as late as 4, but longer. She agreed and when stepdad came up I was out fishing didn't see him. As 3 came and passed I began feeling the anger (trigger) of her not trying to be home.
I began wondering if she wasn't coming back (directly related to my fear of abandonment) By 4 I was very agitated. By 4:30 I was sitting on the stair staring ahead. She was gone, I knew it. I finally rose at 8 and called her step dad. I had sat there 3 1/2 hours staring.
Step Dad was shocked I called. The story he had been given was her and I agreed to separate and he had been asked to take her to the airport because I had said "It would be too painful for me." He thought I knew. She had gone back to Chicago on Wed. Actually went to her Food Stamp interview then packed up her belongings and took them to stepdads. (Sorta explains her being late, though her attending that interview seems odd, her plane ticket was bought a week earlier) Travelling with my child while my ex had chicken pox. She had told step dad Boston was there destination but she actually flew home to her Mom in Florida.
So I am sitting there, no gas, no contact with folks, a phone that had no Long Distance meaning I would have to call someone collect to come get me. In complete shock. A friend came and I was home by 1 AM, in my own bed.
Three days later I was diagnosed bi-polar by a Psych w/Bi-polar. He later lost his license as he had diag most of his patients w/bi-Polar, guess he wanted friends lol. 12 Years later that was changed to a "Mimic" Bi-polar episode (Man, wouldn't everyone be hurting in that situation?) Now we are BPD/Severe depression and possibly PTSD
So that's is some of the times I have been abandoned, real times.