However disability is/was only part of my journey and isn't what I want to talk about today. I have a lot to say so unlike some previous posts there won't be a lot of "catching the new reader up" but I sure would love it if any new(er) readers read some previous posts to acclimate themselves if they are so inclined.
Over the last 2 1/2 years I have tried to offer a glimpse into my journey. Diagnosed at age 47 with a moderate to severe mental illness, specifically a personality based one that has manifested itself in self destructive behavior... its been tough. I have tried to expose the vulnerable parts of me while discovering who I am and what I believe in. The ups and downs and the day to day dredge of living with a mental illness. I have tried to share my faith as well though sometimes it may not show.
Moving on hasn't been my strength. Saying goodbye has *really* not been a strength. The more I like or care about you, if the relationship is ending then its more likely I will avoid you perhaps without saying goodbye.
Borderline revolves around abandonment. Real, perceived or even self created.
My therapist is the first casualty. I am not sure that is or should be a surprise. I have maintained in this blog and in counseling sessions that if and when I needed to work full time again I could not be in therapy. Too much to focus on both, at least for me. Learning my own limitations and accepting the ones I can not change has been instrumental in my recovery. Having been in non stop therapy for 2 1/2 years there is also just the natural need to take a break. Its hard work...and as a therapist once told me...if its not hard work your not doing it right ;-) It's like a drug addict entering drug treatment for the 5th time. Sort of pointless as by now you know what you need to do to stay sober. Well in my case I know what I need to do, I have developed tools and skills and at some point they have to be tested and well I guess that time is now :-)
The moment I read the decision that my case was not going to be reviewed I felt panic, fear, and shame. However as the afternoon rolled on I felt this sort of "immense relief" and maybe its because we had a definitive answer. Maybe it was because I felt a certain freedom to move on.
I don't know what I will do. I am somewhat restricted by the back and hip...knee as well. I am 4 years removed from the professional world without a single reference other than a few oblique HR "he worked here" ones. The job search is scary....I am still limited in what I can make to keep my health insurance versus how much I would need to make to pay for it myself....that chasm is huge in KS. Over $790/month I Lose my insurance....so between $791 and $2500 a month is a dangerous place for me.
Yet....I am hopeful. Its almost like a new adventure starting where I can be who I want to be. Things at home couldn't be better. I'm learning to not only check myself when I start to get angry but to empathize in a way that creates accountability for me...and my tone with my wife and daughters has softened so much in the last 2 years and especially of late.
Whatever I do I want to utilize my ability to write, act or speak in a way that promotes mental health awareness and recovery. Fights Stigma. Maybe I'll write a book.
I want to end by sincerely thanking those of you that have communicated along the way. There have been many people and some have said the right thing just at the right time. I have been humbled at times by the support and love I have felt and received.
Bye for now. It's time for me to move on