As much as I liked her and think she is bringing to the table what I need and what I have asked for. I was so focused on her comment that she didn't see BPD that I couldn't focus on anything else. It made me feel like a scared animal caught hiding and poked with a stick, I jumped. I mean, what would it mean if I wasn't BPD. Do I go un-announce myself to the world? Do I contact all the people that didn't respond and say "Oop's, my bad" What about the work I had put in, the studying. As much as I hated being BPD it just fit and explained so much about my life. Specifically the abandonment. And fear of it.
I woke about 2 AM and was up, shock and surprise. Then the feelings came fast and hard, I am tired of being labeled, labeled again, changed, switched and all along feeling like it's my fault they can't figure me out. I don't know who I am and how the heck did we get here. Was I a failure at being a failure?
I called my shrinks office and they said to come in at 10 so I did. Now where I live, the Psychiatrists don't practice therapy as much as medicine management. After a few visits my Dr. set me up for a half an hour since he has to keep redirecting me back on track...but he is kind, affirming and won't put up with my BS.
So here I am with my wife in his office. I poured out how I felt, how I (we) were so sure I was BPD. He stopped me and said
I want to show you all the diagnosis' you have had at various times just here (Psych services [meds] off and on 05-current)
Bi Polar, NOS
(So I had all 3 lol...that is funny)
Mood Disorder, NOS
His own- Depression, BPD and Narcissism
Then he pulled out the "screening form" for BPD and Michele and I were 10 for 10 and he knew, he said he could fill it out. He said
"Michael, you have BPD. You are highly narcissistic and that can be mistaken for Aspbergers AND "Mimic" [Mini] Bi Polar episodes. The narcissism is so strong in you it explains all the different diagnosis' but you are BPD and I put BPD/Narcissism and Depression after every visit." He went on to say (paraphrased)
He doesn't see bi-polar. However he and the previous ARNP I saw felt even if I did have a touch the serequel and Lamictal would help keep that under control. So who cares if she thinks I have bi-polar as well. The key here is I need work on my grief and she (claims to) bring(s) that to the table.
He told me my high IQ w/narcissism makes treating the BPD very hard. At one point he joked there was a new drug out for BPD and Bi Polar and it made you sort of stupid and if need be he would put me on it, but he said it with a laugh. He also joked that I "name drop" every time I see him and that is narcissistic. Telling him who responded on twitter, etc...athletes I had met, it was funny.
As I process through my grief he told me I may get worse before I get better. He said I may need breaks and that's ok....made me think of my Mom who took breaks. He suggested I give her a few visits and if it isn't a good fit, that's ok. He talked at length about mindfulness and that he uses it all the time. He said it was key to practice that when I felt trapped, threatened, depressed, etc... (This is a DBT exercise)
Basically he was saying, she appears to be a good fit, while we don't see bi-polar we also have never ruled it out completely and since your meds also help bi-polar we haven't worried about it.
This story is really explains what I (others?) experience, why these disorders are so tough, we feel misunderstood, mis- labeled which makes us feel different. Our views are often skewed and we need times of perspective and that comes from who we trust.