So....the "change" part seems insurmountable. As an example, I have had jobs where I was treated very unfairly, perhaps even poorly. When I quit those jobs it was always "for a reason" that I could justify to myself and often others would agree. Partly because I am persuasive and because there were some bad spots.
Prior to last week's crisis I have been talking a lot about the Radical Acceptance part over the last few months. Not only learning to accept what I had done...but also learning to accept what was done to me at certain points in my life, things out of my control but very painful. Much of my life consisted of explosions followed by an immediate need to reconcile. Sometimes I would be so focused on a resolution in a situation that wasn't ripe for that conversation. To ask me to wait a day was like pure torture. I couldn't sleep or eat whenever I was faced with a reconciliation. This intense need to be "liked" was such a driving force that I could turn a rational situation irrational at the drop of a hat.
One thing I have learned is sometimes you have to just walk away. Don't attack and don't flee...just walk away. This can be short term or in some cases permanently. Some things cannot be saved and some frankly aren't worth it.
I saw a picture today that was like wow! Now I sorta get how to marry the two! Check this out
I would say that I am still not there yet....wherever "there" is. I still have moments when things begin to feel out of control...or I feel my emotions rising in intensity...all thoughts of therapy, mindfulness, etc....go flying out the door.
But....at least I can now recognize it...which allows more tolerance. Sometimes I catch it, process it, realize getting mad solves nothing...and release it. My family sees it mostly. Dad doesn't nearly get as angry as he did. Trust is beginning to be reestablished, I feel the family really coming together. I do get some credit...but so does my wife and my kids.
It's been a helluva 18 months. I still have days I am sad....days I still emotionally cut and mindfulness becomes something I avoid rather than embrace. It's sort of like trying to overcome an addiction...and please remember this....
When you are at your strongest its easy to look strong, sound strong and even be strong. But the lure of that addiction falsely promises relief...and that isn't what it actually gives...
I realized a lot about myself last week. I was able to be strong, I may have been struggling on the inside but I was the strength of my wife and girls.
Now I need to be even more. I realized that I don't do a great job of showing my girls beauty. Nature, spending more time together. Show them there is beauty in this grim world, that there is hope and love.
Too the young lady that came home last week, we love you. We know how tough it is. Or are learning. In many ways you are my hero. The courage it took to admit you were struggling in a way that required professional intervention. The fight I see in your eyes, the resiliency you have in spite of so many tragedies in such a young life. The love I see you have for others yet the weight of their pain adding to yours. Just know you don't have to do this alone. While this is a christian song its also how we feel about you.