Yesterday was the worst. My mindfulness wasn't functioning and again I struggle sometimes with being in the "present" because my present sucks. I am not seeing my therapist this week and I almost called him last night to see if he could squeeze me in. I don't think I have had as bad of a day in a long time as yesterday.
I tried some self soothing but that just led to pain. For any new readers, I have often mentioned that I "qualify" for BPD as 7 of the 8 symptoms could have my picture next to them. The one I haven't had is the cutting/suicide but....I have seen the edge of that abyss and I understand why people do it and more importantly how they get there. I also tend to do emotional cutting...I say that because it achieves the same goal that cutting on yourself does. My "break" occurred at age 4 when I witnessed my Mother's suicide attempt. This led to Narcissistic Disorder and BPD and may explain why Suicide has never been a serious thought to me.
It's a nasty codependency. It's also heightened when real (versus our imagination) abandonment occurs. That is where I get stuck. The "guy" part of me doesn't want to admit anything is wrong or that I am not wired like most people.
Ugh...this sucks. I could use a hug but I am afraid that all my emotion I am holding inside will explode and I'll be weeping or emotional in some way. I'm somewhere between hating society and not understanding it. Part of my experience with BPD/NPD is that my whole life unless you verbally disagreed with me I presumed you were 100% on board. Never occurred to me that what I was saying may not be important enough to bother disagreeing with me.
All the above aside....,I think this searing pain is coming from an understanding that finality is final. People die, they move on, old friends become distant memories.
Because I have a real skill in keeping relationships going through time and distance...it just never hit me that as I grow older and friends become more and more involved with their own families...things will fade to distant memories. Here is an example.
I had corresponded with an Ex girlfriend that had devastated me when she broke up with me. I realized shortly after my diagnosis where the pain was coming from. We had been the best of friends...and I missed that. When we dated and it ended it felt like abandonment, she used to say things like You will always be a part of my life and again I didn't ever realize people said those types of things and didn't mean them or that they changed. I love my wife so much and she saw every e-mail because it wasn't about anything but communicating how much I missed the friendship and to explain the reason it was so hard for me. I had talked about an event that was the highlight of our relationship....and she didn't remember it LOL. What a blow to my NPD but man it set my head straight as well. I was able to move on. No longer friends on face book or in communication any more, that is over. But I needed that finality. And I received it.
The other odd thing, well maybe not, is that I went from being a part time Extrovert to a full fledged introvert. I don't understand how most people think and at age 49 I am not sure I ever will. But...one good thing....I now realize I don't have to. I just gotta be me.
My faith has waned over that last few months. I have felt so far away from God. It's not anger its more like Why? Haven't I had enough pain in my life? What about that promise that you won't give me more than I can handle? Your pushing it Lord! lol There is however a real issue between Mental Health and Fundamental Christianity and one day that will be my entry. The two do not go hand in hand at all, men are fallible and some people are false prophets. The worst part is when the insinuation is given that you do not have a "good enough" relationship with God. What a horrible, judgmental thing to say. My relationship with God, however flawed as it may look, is clearly a source of strength for me. It's also what keeps me going so back off and worry about your own relationship with God.
Of late...one of my favorite songs is Redeemed by Big Daddy Weave. It's the first verse that really speaks to me
Seems like all I can see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "son
Stop fighting a fight that's already been won"
I will get rid of the chains. I think what really keeps me going is a resiliency I have. No matter how many times I get knocked down...I get up. It's been harder this time....but like the poem Foot Prints says...
One night I dreamed a dream.
As I was walking along the beach with my Lord.
Across the dark sky flashed scenes from my life.
For each scene, I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand,
One belonging to me and one to my Lord.
After the last scene of my life flashed before me,
I looked back at the footprints in the sand.
I noticed that at many times along the path of my life,
especially at the very lowest and saddest times,
there was only one set of footprints.
This really troubled me, so I asked the Lord about it.
"Lord, you said once I decided to follow you,
You'd walk with me all the way.
But I noticed that during the saddest and most troublesome times of my life,
there was only one set of footprints.
I don't understand why, when I needed You the most, You would leave me."
He whispered, "My precious child, I love you and will never leave you
Never, ever, during your trials and testings.
When you saw only one set of footprints,
It was then that I carried you."
Please listen to and enjoy this song