Many professionals have begun to rename PTSD to PTS because to call it a "Dis-order" carries connotations that there is something "wrong" with that person. It leads to stigma, people not wanting to seek treatment and some not willing to face the illness. And that is truly what PTS and other personality disorders are. An illness, spawned from something or things that occurred to people, often from their care takers, is completely beyond control of the person.
I didn't ask to be OCD, Borderline and possibly other issues. I don't want to be applying for disability, and don't want to spend my life this way. I feel though, circumstances in my life (Many I could have controlled better I am not reassigning responsibility) have simply led me to where I am today. I'm working on accepting that...and its hard.
I haven't slept well since the notice came, anxiety no doubt. Much is at stake and I am trying very hard to let go and let God and the attorney take care of this. Very hard. Like having to submit e-mails and other things in writing that don't portray a very favorable image of me. But it has been a part of my life.
We all have gifts. It's a matter of tapping into those. I realize the very nature of BPD is thinking I could be one of the "faces" of BPD. I now realize I can only be the face of me. God will open doors in his way and time- should there be other ways to share the struggles of others and bring a song of hope.
I have an online friend who is a disability judge. I spoke with him last week and it was really eye-opening and very helpful. He had some very useful information, what to expect at the hearing, what I need to make sure my attorney covers, etc...
I was completely wrong about my impression of Social Security and the process (SEE: Narcissism and BPD lol) I was convinced I couldn't say I hoped to be off disability as soon as possible...and that is actually a good thing to say. It's not an all or nothing process. In fact to say you are unable to do "any" work can turn a judge off. I care for my kids but the truth is my wife does 75% of everything else and takes care of my Mom. There was a time in her life I stayed home for a year with her and I am finally accepting that its ok for her to be weary and tired and still able to be a support.
The best perspective I have heard is from my Psychiatrist. Dealing with 44 years of pain and discovering new pain (Insight can suck) its like a huge infection. If you just apply a topical it may heal but will never go away. It needs to be drained to heal and that's the part of the process I am in.
Turning a disability into an ability is not easy. I see that on a personal basis and observe others as well. I think it can be done. Brandon Marshall would be an example. He doesn't hide, is someone many of us look up to. That would be one extreme. The flip side is it takes a lot of support, patience and dedication. A burning flame for something. Learning to follow your heart. An understanding that you may not see a direct result but chances are you opened someones eyes or showed them they are accepted. That's what its really all about. Acceptance and Validation without us excusing our behavior or role in the encounter. Learning to identify and work on triggers.
Its hard at times and I am in one of those times. Squeezing out the infection is hard and painful and a process. I am Worn. One day that will change. I believe that or at least I keep telling myself that. I will turn this into an Ability one day
God Bless and know he is truly our safety