It's been unbelievably rough and if you know anything about my story you know that's pretty bad.
TRIGGER WARNING- Self Harm
Sunday evening things came to a head and I exploded on one of my kids about long standing issues with home work and cleaning their room. As is often the case I was spot on for the subject matter and way off on how I handled it. I feel like I have been crying for help. The rotate Psychiatry in Residential programs so you may see one 3-4 times before they leave for whatever they decide to specialize in
I have been requesting a review of my meds, I take 15 pills a day, 4 psychotropics. Every visit I hear how "great" I'm doing and it just becomes easier to say "Yeah that's fine, thanks (I guess)" I saw a new Dr. a week ago and went got in my appt was 15 mins not 45.....what the hell can I communicate in 15 minutes that encapsulates the loneliness and abandonment I have struggled with for 45 years?
Monday morning I had nothing left. This is so hard to say, some people have used things against me in the blog which is one of the (Previously untold) reasons I stopped.
But I was hurting Monday. I suffer from some physical ailments but this different. A searing pain was going through my heart...I imagine it felt like a light sabre.
When I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality disorder, I met all but 1 of the symptoms. I had never attempted suicide or cut on myself. I couldn't even understand why people did it (Which creates an incredible dichotomy as BPD's just don't "get" somethings and see it in extreme black and white) I looked over and saw some scissors, the thought entered my mind, "I wonder why people cut?" So I started making motions across my wrist and then blood started...not a lot but when it dried I had several marks on my arm.
Shame immediately overcame me. Along with just confusion....I don't know why? So my wife gets up and sees whats going on and takes me into the ER- which was a disaster. A separate story but an important one. It amazes me how little Dr's know and the gross misconceptions that they buy into and repeat which even make it worse.
After stabilizing in a bright yellow gown and equally yellow socks I sat there and started thinking ....why Michael? Why?
All I could come up with is I was hurting so bad emotionally I needed something...anything to replace that pain. I blubbered to the psych Dr and ER Dr and they determined I was safe to go home (Which by that time I was).
I knew I had to face this, my anger and my hurt. Sometimes I scare myself when I get so angry...not in a physical way but I think intense yelling and anger can cause damage as well.
Once I heard that BPD's are like a skittish cat....jumping at every sound. Now I am imagining what it must be like for others to be around that "cat."
I'd like to round out the week but due to certain family members we no longer communicate with I am going to refrain from mentioning anyone else. They are not good people- save 1. They have crucified me before, during and after my own diagnosis. Very evil people.
Tuesday evening, after 10 hours in the ER for 2 separate trips Monday...we were spent. I pulled up the Christian playlist I keep on You Tube and as a family we sat and listened....I talked about the older songs and how some had impacted my life, my wife's life and even the family's. I'm not a preacher, I'm not even a big evangelist but during the times we were in Church this family thrived in spite of our weaknesses and inadequacies.
Our youngest leaves the room and I figure she is bored. So we call her in for bed time and she walks in with a full sheet of paper. One of the songs had touched her little heart (She's 7) and she had gone out and pulled it up, wrote about 90% of it. The next morning she got up at 6 AM to finish and start practicing singing it. I was floored. She announced she wanted to sing it to her class and I believe that day she would have but they told her "tomorrow" then it became Thursday and the veracity she had faded. I don't blame the school though I blame our society. I'm sure they saw the song and had all kind of "concerns" about "offending" the wrong people
Maybe they need to be offended. To be a non-believer, by default allows you to freely express that but if a Christian in any setting announces their beliefs we start getting the const and crap like that thrown at us. Then again many Christians are too overbearing and judgmental. It bothers me a lot when I see people turned off because of "people" which get in the way of what is really the goal and this is a personal relationship with the guy that died for ya.
Because of my 25 years in the church I have struggled with new church's....many offer beliefs I strongly disagree with. I tell ya this....if people from our old church in Chicago took the time to talk to my Dad they would be shocked by what he believes now and his beliefs just ring true. And they are not anti-christian lest they send the Crusades to recondition him ;-)
I am going to get back into therapy. I have no idea how it will go. My last therapist was one of two I have ever had that I really clicked with (Jess being the 1st if she reads this) I have very strong beliefs and the organization I can afford deals with the poor (We live in a Rich county) and can be a little condescending at times. If they pull that crap on m,e just go watch "Good Will Hunting" and I will deconstruct that person faster and harder than Matt Damon did to Robin Williams.
I realize how that statement sounds. But throughout my journey I have been told I have incredible insight. I've come to learn most professionals don't. They read about successes and treatments without fully understanding the disease which just makes it about impossible (for me)
Back to Good Will Hunting. After Robin Williams is deconstructed (He is the therapist- Matt Damon the pt) by Matt, in a later scene where they are quietly talking Robin Williams looks at Matt Damon and says (to this effect)
"Do you think that by reading Oliver Twist I can truly relate to your life as an orphan and abused kid. I need you to teach me"
That's what I need. Let me share the pain, the struggle, the triumphs, failures, good times and bad times. Don't tell me you have some snake oil to help that such and such has worked for so many yada yada (There is NO empirical evidence of any one treatment and for you DBT's you need to be careful. I have seen many people on twitter post about how DBT changed their lives only to relapse and self harm- can you imagine the hopelessness creates?) They all have a place, none alone is the answer. I'm more than happy to have this argument only I will be using data from reputable sources. Not from the people who financially benefit when you buy their books
To me its presented similar to Scientology. Your in or out
Do you think staying "in the present" is possible when I haven't dealt with the incredible loss in my life? I see what I have done and I see what has been done to me. Can you stay in the present 100% of the time, can you dip to being in the present like 25% of a really really bad day that has had something trigger you? You can not so please excuse me when I say "Don't put an expectation on me you yourself can not meet."
We'll see how therapy goes...if it does.
I am going to be taking a stronger stand on my meds. The one I HATE is Mirtzapine (Remeron). It offers nothing to me, was added about 18 months ago and makes me feel weird- everyone I know that takes it hates it.
Common Side effects
Common mirtazapine side effects include:
- drowsiness, dizziness;
- strange dreams;
- vision changes;
- dry mouth;
- increased appetite; or
- weight gain.
Serious side effects
- racing thoughts, decreased need for sleep, unusual risk-taking behavior, feelings of extreme happiness or sadness, being more talkative than usual;
- blurred vision, tunnel vision, eye pain or swelling, or seeing halos around lights;
- a light-headed feeling, like you might pass out;
- changes in weight or appetite;
- sudden weakness or ill feeling, fever, chills, sore throat, mouth sores, red or swollen gums, trouble swallowing;
- rash, blisters, oozing, or severe pain in the palms of your hands or the soles of your feet;
- high levels of serotonin in the body - agitation, hallucinations, fever, fast heart rate, overactive reflexes, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, loss of coordination, fainting;
- low levels of sodium in the body - headache, confusion, slurred speech, severe weakness, vomiting, loss of coordination, feeling unsteady; or
- severe nervous system reaction - very stiff (rigid) muscles, high fever, sweating, confusion, fast or uneven heartbeats, tremors, feeling like you might pass out.
Now even the lay Psychiatrist in all of us should examine why we put people on drugs where the side effects can be worse but more importantly can MIRROR the symptoms- that's just messed up
So what can we learn from this entry....how do we start feeling some hope.
Maybe if you can get my 7 year old to sing this song to you....maybe then you can feel some hope- loof for this line
"Just to know you are near is enough"
A Song of hope