My father is very quiet and an introvert. He was unbelievably respected by anyone that has met him. He is wise, strong and kind and gentle as well. The financial dependency (Though its now loans not gifts as he is mostly retired) has really hampered our relationship. It has left me feeling miserable as I worry that I am affecting his retirement and this is a man who has given freely his whole life, to anyone.
As we spoke on Friday he commented that he felt like the judge would probably think the same way he does. So we talked about what to say. As we talked I asked him if he would go with me, in part to keep me calm and focused. Not only did he agree but he is willing/wants to make a statement on my behalf.
He really felt like I should just use the words BPD and Depression at all opportunities, just keep bringing it back to that. Don't explain BPD to him as all he probably wants is a diagnosis and ways it affects employment. Avoid Tangents (Ugh lol) give concrete examples, talk about working hard and the danger of losing everything I had gained this last year and just ask for time. Talk about the very real affect this decision would have on my wife, kids and I.
For Dad's part he feels like he would touch on what it meant to finally get an answer. Focusing on how it explained everything and after 30 years, he (Dad), has accepted that I need some help.
I'm sitting at Twisted Sisters coffee shop with tears pouring down my face. I have spent much of my life advocating for others. At that moment though I felt so close to my Dad, I was just so touched. Son's all want that approval and acceptance from their fathers. The guilt I felt just washed away as I realized how much he loves me, how hard this is on him and he and I. My main goal is to just be able to enjoy Dad's retirement with him.
One of the hardest (maybe THE hardest) pieces of this diagnosis and 14 months of work is that the retraining of my brain has made me realize the importance of time in a way I never did. My fantasy world didn't (doesn't) allow for the finality of death. What it means for each day you lose.
Regardless of the outcome I feel confident that my Father and I's relationship will return to what it was and what we both want it to be, regardless of tomorrow's outcome