I've decided to no longer tweet my blog to individuals but rather just to my twitter and those that read it do so on their own accord. I had someone contact me about posting my blog to their site, was pretty stoked about it...but it didn't happen. Hard for me but probably good practice.
I felt really good after my last entry and that carried over to Wednesday where our cable/internet were out and we took a little jaunt to where I grew up. We had so much fun just driving around, I enjoyed telling my stories and taking some pics. Coming home both girls said they really enjoyed it, especially going to the oldest cemetery in KS.
Got home Wed and when I picked up my phone there was a recording saying that we had a problem with our connection. Before we left I had swallowed my anger over the 24 hour wait for a tech, I felt like the girl showed no interest in fixing it. So I call them and just go ballistic, several times, demanding a supervisor, etc...threatening to cancel, yada yada. Finally a supervisor came on and was able to determine the issue and as it turned out our DSL line was plugged 1/2 way in so getting and losing power. So that was an easy fix
That evening, and almost every evening, my youngest fell apart. She sleeps 10-11 hours but will not take naps so by 5-6 she is pretty cranky and at the end of the day we are as well. She missed Kindergarten by a month and she is so ready that I hope the 6 weeks fly by.
After my blog and a lot of thinking I decided to stop therapy for the summer. Several reasons but mostly to see what I have learned and where I am.
Thursday I was just on edge all day. Hadn't heard from my Dad in 3 days (He is at Yellowstone) and started fearing he was hurt...or worse. He finally texted his grand daughter Wed evening to let us know he had bad cell coverage but was doing well. I am also in quite a bit of pain with my back and hip and after seeing the surgeon a 2nd time they are sending me to the Pain Dr, a month from now. Between my lack of desire for pain meds and another med I am on that prevents them anyway...I just suffer with the pain, still wakes me up between 5-6 each morning.
That evening (Last night) at bed time she fell apart again. Screaming and just not listening, I really jumped on her. To her credit she isn't afraid of me and stood her ground (Yeah, at 5) I came in the bed room to let my wife take over and just spiraled to the bottom...and quick.
Felt worth less. Felt like I have no more to give. I was so worked up the thought crossed my mind "Do I need the hospital?" I was that bad. However, and this may surprise some of my regular readers, by turning on a comedy and focusing on NOW I was able to slowly release those feelings...and just doing that gives me some comfort to take the summer off from therapy. I need to start finding out who I am. By the time Michele came back I was "better" and able to talk about, she reassured me it wasn't that bad and she won't even remember tomorrow. Which she did as we had our cuddle time.
Today though...I feel down again. Finances, my back pain, my kids paying the price for my issues, they weigh me down. And wear me down. I know I am suffering from some serious depression so I start losing interest in hobbies, things I need to escape to once in awhile. Games, etc...safe escapes.
I guess what I want to say is this. Anytime going forward someone contacts me about my blog, I am going to encourage them to read several entries, because its real and stark. It isn't "Lets all hold hands and play ring around the rosie" If that's what you want then gotta look elsewhere.
I do try to have hope and faith but if we are going to truly study MH issues then perhaps those struggling should be the focus versus lauding the recovery of others all the time. Lets get real. Lets address the 80% that still need help. Let's not pretend that we can blanket treat these issues. Each person hurts differently and has some symptoms worse than others.
I know life isn't fair but today I am going old school on the song selection. It's my song to the World.