A guy found me on Twitter. @Mikemod1S He has a website called http://www.outofdarknessgroup.com/ (Out of the darkness).
I strongly recommend checking it out. One part of the site is called "Tell your story."I planned on a summary of mine and a link to my blog. Truth is though even if I were interested in such a blog I probably would only read the latest entry. Especially if it was mine lol. At the Bottom of this entry I will include 2-3 links to some specific posts written last fall.
I haven't seen a therapist in 2-3 weeks. Mine moved and the guy that came was simply not a good match. In part, he was on his cell phone almost the whole session, reading messages and actually typing a reply to one. I was BLOWN away. Then he ends the session with "We really don't need to go back unless you need to."
Apparently he missed that in the first visit where he came with Jess
I'm not interested in a treatment plan unless I believe in it. Would you?
One of my last 2 blog posts dealt with that in more detail.
As I "told my story" a few memories came back.
At age 4 I awoke to a bunch of screaming and I came out of my bedroom to see my mom about 20 feet away spurting blood everywhere, yelling Let me die, etc….She had cut her wrists on both arms.
Another thing I started remembering was
Most of my life I felt different. I remember many times staring at myself in the mirror and wondering who was looking back, I didn’t like what I saw in my reflection and for most of my adult life I avoid mirrors and only look at my hair or area to shave, rarely do I make eye contact with myself. It’s funny, you won’t find mention of this in my blog as I realized it as I am typing here, yet another reason to write.
I started reviewing some older e-mails sent went this all came to a head in Sept of last year (2014) I really was researching at first and trying to find some hope, something to believe in. I have blogged at great length that this "Incredible insight and understanding is great!" actually is not true and all of that deeper insight leads to pain. IE>>>>I understand that I don't understand this world. the pain is real and some relationships and friendships are gone and will end as time goes on. Now, if my pain and blogging help someone else that that is great.
Originally I wanted to be the voice of BPD. My story is somewhat compelling. Now, I really don't think I am a great voice because I wouldn't hide the fact that DBT Therapy is way over rated and offers NO hope if it fails as it's "the" treatment of the decade. It's not the end all, be all.
I came across an e-mail I sent to my spiritual adviser, my Dad and Jess (my now ex-Therapist) and I don't know where I got this but today it was like "Wow how true is this"
People suffering from borderline personality disorder, through no fault of their own, have no sense of safety within themselves, so are on a constant search for any form of safety from external sources. Unfortunately, and ironically, the ‘safety’ they have experienced in the past has been found in crises.They therefore feel ‘comfortable’ and safe in the midst of a crisis, whether this is in a relationship setting or any other. So they rebound continually from one crisis to another, feeling ‘safe’ in the moment of this unfortunate familiarity, seemingly ignorant of the stress and strain they are putting not only on their own well-being and recovery, but also on others close to them.They become stuck in this spiral and it is the most difficult of all achievements to spin themselves right out of it, as anything outside of this spiral is extremely threatening and unsafe, to them
"There is no way I could have kept a job for 3 years w/a band aid on my face if I wasn't BPD". I mean that too. The only way I functioned is to ignore thoughts of what others thought, to not allow myself to think that it was probably a constant source of talking about me. Just shut that out.
I believe we live in crisis because crisis and abandonment are what lead to BPD, it's what we know. In our (my) "fantasy world" I was safe, even in crisis- or so I thought.
Writing and talking about this is helpful to me. As I blogged last time, don't preach healing and recovery before we look (For the FIRST time ever) deeply at my pain and try to heal and maybe grieve a little. I don't believe doing what I have done my whole life, mask and cover pain, or I won't really recover. This is where Dialectical Behavior Therapy and I differ. Some people swear its the only thing that will help.
Thank you for that pass/fail option (Sheldon- this is sarcasm) If I don't "make it" w/DBT what's left? Now there is a site I really like called "Anything to stop the pain"
GREAT Site. It does laud DBT but in a way that leaves hope for other treatments. It recognizes the need to "Stop the pain" and gives hope to everyone with great advice and articles. The site is also for NON BPD's. Great resource another site to check out if you know someone with BPD.
The hardest part of all this is the impact it has on my kids. As the disability system SUCKS. If I win my appeal, which won't occur till Feb ish 2016. They then have 6 months to issue payment so I have to figure a way to cover the bare necessities for 2 years total. If I go back to work I can only make $800/month and what I do make is pulled out of my payment (Which I understand and accept) Disability is mentioned several times in my blog for those that have interest.
I have to accept my own responsibility for where we are. Which is most. I see my wife wearing down. I see my 12 year old taking all her BDAY/Christmas cash she got ($60) to buy new clothes. She has no excitement for summer, no family vacation to look forward to, no kids around here to hang wit and her 3 best friends are busy, busy, busy with travel, camps, etc....The last 2 years she has worn clothes that are ripped, torn and too small for her. She is bullied (See previous entry at bottom) and feels so different (For new readers my 12 year old has bad PTSD from a 4 year period of constant crisis) and social anxiety.
She is my hero though. She is so much stronger than she knows. She was in a play last summer and got up in a packed coffee house after only 2 1/2 months, not knowing 90% of the people and played a guitar duet to "I love Rock and Roll")
I don't know how hard it must be to not have a few close people and/or a relationship with God. Every day I tell myself
So I said to the Lord, "You promised me Lord, that if I followed you, you would walk with me always. But I have noticed that during the most trying periods of my life there have only been one set of footprints in the sand. Why, when I needed you most, you have not been there for me?" The Lord replied, "The times when you have seen only one set of footprints, is when I carried you."