Having said that, I am fully aware of some things that trigger me, some I do to myself. So some triggers are identifiable.
When I used to hear songs like "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac (as an example,Others as well) they may take me to a sad place, knowing one day either I will die or those around me will. Or what life was and what it had become.
Here is where it gets tricky. On Multiple levels for me.
Since my diagnosis I am discovering the validity of those feelings. These things will really happen. Friends will die before I see them again, relationships I presumed would always be healed, won't necessarily. It scares me. I feel so unprepared for the next crisis that hits. Thoughts of losing my wife, Kids, Dad, myself now has gone from fleeting moments of how sad that would be to a real fear now, one with a fuller and better understanding of the Post Effect that would follow. To use a quote from my generation:
"This shit's real"
If you are following this I am basically saying that coming into the reality of my present really sucks. It was always much safer in my world. Better outcomes.
The "jump to" treatment has been DBT training. It's been difficult for me. I fall into a subset already identified as one that make this treatment rough. The Narcissistic disorder in me has never believed in AA, NA (Still don't to be honest...too many friend left those meetings with others and went and used but if it works for some, great) so to present me with this "Rah-Rah" jump to treatment that is simple at its base hits the narcissism hard. The part of that wants to sit back and laugh at the masses flocking to yet another "snake-oil" cure. My previous therapist and my new one thank goodness, understand that we need to go another route.
I keep talking about success being based on individual treatment plans. My first visit to my new therapist he said "Look, my goal is to help you find out where you want to be and how to get there, and if it takes time to even start I am cool with that"
CVA (Caring, Validation, Access to [appropriate] services) CVA all the way, can work wonders.
Back to DBT. It often sounds like I am against it and I'm not. I think it can work wonders in some people's lives but I am discouraged by the pass/fail portrayal. To talk about a treatment that isn't fully accepted by the mental health and others and then talk about how great it is and finally there is (seems to be) attitude that if it doesn't work YOU did something wrong. And this is coming from MH professionals. The message received by myself and others I have talked to is if it doesn't work we have no hope for you. The "Best estimates" are it has about a 70% success rate though many in the field, my Dr. included, question that number.
That number isn't as important to me as the % of ppl it doesn't work for concerns me much more. That's a pretty dangerous game to be playing. To tell someone they failed because they didn't try hard enough. Wow, to think a professional would say that really concerns me.
However, there are certain DBT exercises that do work well and the one in particular isn't a BPD exercise as anyone can use it. Mindfulness is, per Websters"
- 1. the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.
"their mindfulness of the wider cinematic tradition"
- 2. a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.
But I will find out who I am